Beth dreamt erratic, fragmented dreams. Swimming in a warm ocean, running through a thick and damp forest, bushes scraping her back. She awoke with Marys arm draped over her stomach. Listening to her slow, even breathing, she suspected Marys dreams werent as Freudian as her own. According to Marys bedside clock, it was a little after six thirty. The sheets were still slightly damp from a shower theyd taken in the middle of the night.
Beth replayed how Mary had made love to her. Theyd tossed and tangled the bed linens until the bedroom looked like a combat zone. The memory of Marys mouth on her neck, her breasts, and between her legs made her chest swim. Her unbridled passion had enabled Beth to let go completely, easing into incredibly erotic positions, opening up to Mary fully. She relived a moment when Mary had gone down on her. Close to coming, Beth had looked down to witness Marys expression change from lustful smiling to steamy concentration. They had even laughed and teased in between the intensity of their sex, until Beths climax shook them both.
Beths thoughts turned toward the day. They were scheduled for a six-mile run. And then what? What do two casual sex partners do once they get out of bed? She looked over at Mary, who was still sleeping soundly, the comforter rising and falling slowly over her chest. An awkward sensation niggled at her. With serious lovers, next mornings were easy to navigate. It went unsaid that they would spend the day together and then the next night, and so on. Just like one did in a committed relationship.
This, with Mary, was far from that. Theyd spent two nights together, only getting out of bed yesterday to eat, wash, and go on their run. Beth felt like she was in some kind of limbo, ignoring the world outside these four walls. She felt panicky inside and her mind raced to make sense of what the hell she was doing.
How do you end casual sex?
Casual sex. Closing her eyes, Beth sighed heavily. The past forty-eight hours hadnt felt casual to her. She touched her lips to Marys warm forehead, kissing her awake, and told her that shed come by later for their run. The clock ticked past seven. Mary murmured something about the damp sheets and Beth slipped out of bed.
Alder was in the kitchen polishing a silver tea set when Beth returned. She didnt seem surprised to see her walk in the front door so early on a Saturday morning.
Scrutinizing the task in front of her, Alder said, Theres something very traditional about polishing silver. Reminds me of how calm my mother used to look when shed sit at our familys old kitchen table and polish. Calms me, too.
Beth managed a smile and with a gentle pat on Alders back as she passed on her way outside to the back porch. She sat on the top step, staring at the flowers, resting her head in her hands. She barely heard Alders step behind her and jumped when she spoke.
From the looks of you, last night was either really great or really horrible.
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Beth squinted up toward the older woman, who held two mugs of coffee. She scooted over, making room on the step. It was a little of both.
Alder sat next to her. Was Mary not behaving herself?
Beth took the mug she was offered. Well, no, but that was the really great part of the evening.
Alder chuckled. When did it get horrible?
Beth looked out over the flowers, her jaw set tight. Its just not me, Alder.
Whats not you?
Im not some feral female who runs around having casual sex. Mary is. Im not.
And that pisses you off? Alder asked.
Yes, it pisses me off. Marys not my type. Shes spontaneous and wild. I cant have that in my life. I should be looking for a more stable woman. I want someone whos grounded. I want a trusting, real relationship, like the one I had with Stephanie.
Alder spoke slowly as if trying to understand what she was saying as she said it. The Stephanie who cheated on you?
Beth clamped her mouth shut. How real was that relationship? Like Stephanie but not Stephanie, she corrected. And certainly not Mary.
She was that bad, huh? Alder looked astonished. Both nights? Not even an improvement with practice?
Beth felt a rush of heat whip her cheeks. Mary was great. Its just that one minute Im having this unbelievable time with her, and the next, Im running away. I dont know what I should do. I feel like shit. Its been fantastic, but then, she paused, thinking, everything got strange this morning. I couldnt think. I knew why I was with Mary, but I also didnt know why. I feel like Im in a fog bank and I can see vague shapes, but everythings a blurred jumble.
What do you want, Beth? It was a simple question.
I want a normal relationship.
Normal, Alder echoed.
I have a certain kind of woman in mind, Beth said truthfully. And Marys not it.
Mary answered her door looking way too sexy. She was wearing boxer shorts and a tank top. Her hair was ruffled from sleep. She grinned sleepily and took Beths hand as naturally as if theyd known each other a lifetime. She led her inside to sit on the couch.
Mmm. Ive been asleep since you left. Mary squeezed her eyes shut, rubbing them with both hands. Tell the world to go away.
Beth tensed. This conversation was going to be difficult. I cant. Its clamoring at the door.
If it doesnt have some righteous coffee in hand, tell it to go the hell away. Mary stretched, then let her gaze rest on Beths face. She looked more beautiful than ever. Her cheeks still had a faint trace or two of sheet lines, and Mary had never seen such sultry bedroom eyes. Hows your back?
Beth blushed. Its fine.
I really am sorry. Mary shook her head. But you were driving me crazy, and I needed something to hold on to.
But what I really want to do is tell you that Im falling for you. Beths soft kiss upon her forehead when shed woken earlier had felt wonderfully loving. Mary hadnt wanted her to leave that morning, or the one before. And, more significantly, she realized she hadnt wanted Beth to leave at all.
Its okay, Beth said.
Last night was beautiful. Mary trembled inside. She needed to tell Beth what her heart was screaming. But she wasnt fully awake and she didnt want to blurt out some garbled cliché.
Mary, Beth said, before she could get herself together. I want you to know where Im coming from.
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Mary tilted her head, blinking.
I dont think we should train together, Beth began. I dont know what got into me. The time weve spent together has been great. Better than great. Its just that Im not I mean, I cant just fall into this. With you. Shit. What happened last night and the night before cant happen again. Please know that you are wonderful. But I cant do this. And I think our training together will just make it worse.
Mary tried to remain still. Beth didnt want this? Im not quite sure what you mean, Beth. You mean the sex?
Yes. I dont jump into things like this. You may be okay with it, but Im not. Only three months ago, I was in a stable relationship, and now Im having sex in an alley. Its not reasonable, you know?
Marys heart sank. I dont have to agree with you, but I think I understand what youre saying.
This is not what I want my life to be like.
I didnt think that we were planning your life, Beth.
How can she be that calm? Beth wondered with frustration. Obviously it came with the wild, spur-of-the-moment lifestyle. And as much as she was feeling attracted to Mary, she didnt want to be her current spur-of-the-moment. She stood, feeling absolutely wretched. I really like you, Mary, but I cant do this.
Mary stood slowly and then reached for her. With her warm hands on Beths arms, she said, I wont say Im sorry for the alley. Or my bedroom. But I am sorry you feel that way.
Being with you was incredible. Beth fought imminent tears. I imagine that sounds like bullshit right now.
It doesnt. I was right there feeling you when we made love.
Beth turned and walked to the door, looking back at Mary as she unlocked it. She opened her mouth but no words came. She lowered her head, glancing sadly at the running shoes lined up in the hallway, and then walked out.
Mary stared at the door, wishing it would open again with Beth walking back in. She reached up and massaged her forehead. She doesnt want you. Let her go.
Maybe it was for the best. Shed probably let herself get caught up in the excitement of being around a woman she couldnt seem to get enough of. Even though shed sensed a reticence in Beth at first, she recognized a beautiful soul. And the more Beth held back her true spirit, the more Mary yearned to get closer to it. Beth wasnt naturally unfriendly or standoffish, as shed first appeared. But she was scared, and Mary couldnt blame her. She knew how daunting it was to put oneself out there. Shed lived it for years. In her own life, spending time in bed with a woman didnt mean that she wanted to pursue anything with her afterward. Until Beth. And Beth had just told her they had no future.
Just when Mary was feeling quite the opposite.
A prickling sensation teased the back of her neck and she turned toward the living room and saw its origin. She walked over to the mantel and picked up the photograph of Gwen. Touching the image, she smiled, remembering the cabin in which theyd spent two wonderful weeks. She trailed her finger across the glass, letting it come to rest over Gwens heart.
I love you, she whispered and carried the photograph to the cabinet by her kitchen telephone. Tenderly, she laid the memory inside the top drawer and then pushed it shut.
A stab of despair twisted inside Beth.
She got her car and realized that she had nowhere to go. The pain of being cheated on by her ex was one thing, but this was just as bad. Mary had done nothing but treat her lovingly and with tremendous kindness. Walking away had left Beth with an empty well of dark, gloomy nothingness.
Driving aimlessly, she gravitated toward the wharf and found a parking spot close to Ghirardelli Square. She walked to the boats and piers close to Aliotos Restaurant. In a covered walkway, in the heart of the wharf commerce, she purchased some steaming hot clam chowder. It was served in a hollowed-out round sourdough loaf and she cradled it close as she walked around the dock, past the moored fishing boats to the pier beyond.
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Finding an empty bench off the main drag, she sat on top of the backrest, her feet on the bench seat. She set the bowl in her lap and unwrapped a spoon and napkin from a cellophane envelope. The soup was fresh and creamy. It coated her throat with warmth but she had trouble enjoying the flavor. She looked out over the water in front of her, and the fishermen in the boats below, then up to the sky. Just under the blanket of fog, at least ten or twelve seagulls floated, wings open to the ever-present San Francisco breeze. They hovered aloft, hopeful for a handout.
Beth took a breath so deep she felt her shoulders rise and fall with the entire weight of her life. Eight days before, shed rolled into town, weary-eyed and beaten after driving all night. Shed escaped three years of deception, and she would never tolerate such behavior from a partner again.
What was wrong with her? Shed enjoyed every minute with Mary. But Mary would never be someone she could have a committed lovership with. Mary was looking for an affair. Beth, even after all her disillusionment, was looking for a relationship.
A seagull swiftly swooped down, squawking loudly. Starting, Beth almost dropped her sourdough bowl as the gull alit on the pier railing in front of her. She flung the now empty bread bowl onto the ground and watched as the gull virtually attacked it. It knew that its time alone with the feast would be short-lived. In a moment, seven or eight of the breed would crash land almost on top of him, vying for the bowl, squawking and flapping at each other.
Beth lifted her eyes to the glistening ripples in the bay. She had done the right thing, breaking off the affair before things really got out of hand. Im not that person, she asserted. I dont just fuck in an alley and act all casual. As soon as she went back to L.A., Mary would find someone else.
I cant be that cavalier about things. Shit!
Casual sex isnt serious sex, she argued out loud to the seagulls.
