I'm so worried about Sephy. Since that business in the shopping centre, she's hardly said a word. She just sits in her room or in the living room, holding Callie in her arms like she's afraid to let her go. And the look on her face scares me. So sad it breaks my heart. So set, it turns me to stone as I look at her.
The sorrow inside her is locked in with no way out. And each setback, each word just pushes her down further to where it's harder to reach her. I phoned my doctor and he came to see Sephy at my request. Sephy didn't say a word to me about it. She let the doctor examine her and answered his questions, but she didn't shout at me for interfering the way I thought she would. She didn't storm at me for not minding my own business. She didn't rant and rage like I wanted her to, like I hoped she would.
Sephy didn't say a word.
Doctor Mossop told Sephy and me that Sephy was suffering from post-natal depression and he prescribed fresh air, exercise, mother and baby clubs and some mild tranquillizers. Sephy hasn't had any of them. She nodded and said, 'Yes, Doctor,' as appropriate but the moment he left, his prescription went straight in the bin. I fished it out and filled it out at the local chemist, then I put the tranquillizers on Sephy's bed where she couldn't fail to see them. An hour later I found the unopened bottle in the bin. That's when I gave up. I can't force the things down her throat and, to be honest, I'm not convinced they're what she needs anyway. Tranquillizers and sedatives get a lot of people through the day when there's nothing else on the menu, but Sephy has a beautiful daughter and everything to live for. I just wish I knew what to do to make her see that.
Jaxon came round yesterday afternoon with Sonny and Rhino. The moment I opened the door, I knew it wasn't good news.
'Is Sephy in?' Jaxon asked.
As Sephy was coming down the stairs behind me holding Callie, the question was unnecessary.
'Sephy, can we talk to you?' asked Sonny.
Sephy indicated the living room before following after them. I dithered for a few moments, wondering whether I should leave them to it or be nosy and go into the living room as well. After everything that'd happened, I decided on the latter.
As I entered the room, Sephy had moved to stand by the window. She still held Callie in her arms and the afternoon sunlight streaming through my windows made it seem like Sephy and Callie had some kind of golden halo around them. Just at that moment, Sephy looked stunningly beautiful – like one of those Madonna and child pictures painted by a Renaissance artist. Sonny, Jaxon and Rhino stood in my living room, looking at each other. Rhino, who I understood from Sephy scarcely ever said a word, walked over to Sephy and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned round, surprised.
'Sephy, I want you to know this isn't my idea,' he said softly.
Sephy turned round to face Jaxon and Sonny then. I stood forgotten by the door.
'D'you have something you want to say, Jaxon?' Sephy asked.
'Sephy, we can't have you in the band any more – at least not for a little while. No one will hire us whilst you're our singer.'
Sephy didn't say a word.
'It's not a permanent thing,' said Sonny. 'It's just until the fuss dies down.'
Rhino looked at Jaxon and Sonny with disgust before turning to Sephy. 'They're afraid we'll all get lynched if you get up on stage with us. They think you're in no man's land and they're afraid of being dragged there with you.'
'And what d'you think, Rhino?' asked Sephy.
'I think they're full of crap, but I've been outvoted.'
Sephy stroked Rhino's cheek, her fingertips light on his skin. 'Thanks,' she said, smiling as a deep red spread over his face.
I thought Sephy had said Rhino was the one who resented her the most in the band. I'm sure she told me he'd said barely five sentences to her since she joined them. I must've got that wrong.
'Sonny, d'you agree with Jaxon?' Sephy asked, looking directly at him.
To my surprise, Sonny's face instantly flamed red. His gaze skittered away from Sephy's as he searched for the right thing to say.
'It's only for a little while,' he mumbled. 'Maybe you could still rehearse with us..?'
'I see,' was all Sephy said.
'There's no reason why we couldn't still see each other,' Sonny appealed. 'All of us. We still... I still want you... with us.'
'But not enough to stand by me,' said Sephy evenly.
'It's nothing personal,' Jaxon tried.
'It never is.' Sephy shrugged. 'But don't worry, I understand.'
'When the whole thing has blown over then we'd gladly have you back,' Jaxon said, a trace of desperation in his voice.
'Could you all leave now, please?' said Sephy. 'I'm very tired.'
Sephy turned to carry on looking out of the window. I immediately moved forward to show the gutless wonders out of my house.
'If she'd just let us explain,' Jaxon said to me in the hall.
'Me and Sephy understand perfectly,' I told him as they all headed out of the door. 'At least Sephy knows who her friends are.'
'You have to see it from our side,' said Sonny.
'No, I don't. You didn't even have the courtesy to ask Sephy if she did the things she's accused of,' I told them with disgust.
At least Sonny had the grace to look ashamed. Jaxon pursed his lips and got a set to his jaw like a sulky school kid. Here was a boy who needed an attitude adjustment clap and no mistake and my hand itched to give it to him.
I turned to the other man. 'You're Sonny, aren't you?' I asked, before I offloaded onto the wrong person.
The guy before me nodded.
'I thought you and Sephy were the closest in this so-called group of yours,' I said.
'We are. We were—' Sonny began.
'And this is how you show it? When the going gets tough, the weak run for the hills, is that it?'
'You're not being fair. It's just until this all blows over...' Sonny's weak protest trailed off into nothing.
'One day someone's going to stab you through the heart the same way you're doing to Sephy,' I told him straight. 'Although in your case it'll be easy, you not having any backbone to get in the way.'
Jaxon glared at me. Rhino scowled at Jaxon and Sonny. Sonny looked me straight in the eye, with not a hint of an excuse on his face. I'll say one thing for him, he took what I dished out.
'You can all get out now. And don't bother coming back.'
They trooped out in silence. I slammed the door on the lot of them. Newspaper reports and magazine articles have all blasted poor Sephy. Her mother's been round and told Sephy to hold her head high no matter what. I think Sephy heard that, at least. But she won't discuss what she thinks or how she feels. And she washes her hands a lot. Before and after meals. Even before picking up Rose.
This morning, I asked, 'Sephy, when are we going to sit down and talk about Jude?'
'Your son isn't going to hang for Cara Imega's murder. What else is there to say?' Sephy asked.
And after that she didn't say a word. She looked down at Callie in her arms, that strange, blank, unblinking look on her face.
I'm worried.
I'm more than worried.
I'm scared.
