'Sephy, when're we going to talk about this?'
'About what?' I asked Meggie.
She frowned at me. 'Sephy, that letter was a he. Callum loved you. You shouldn't need me to tell you that.'
'So Callum didn't write that letter?'
'It looked like his writing,' Meggie conceded. 'But if he really wrote that then he was forced to write it or there was some other reason we haven't figured out yet.'
I tilted my head as I looked at Meggie. Did she really believe any of the crap she was coming out with? Forced to write it! What next?
'Sephy, Callum loved you. And if you never believe anything else in this life, you should believe that,' Meggie persisted.
But I hardly heard her. Now that she knew there was nothing between Callum and me except lies, maybe she'd changed her mind about us living with her.
'Would you like Rose and me to move out? I could go to Mother's,' I added, so that she needn't worry that I'd end up on the street.
'No, of course not,' said Meggie. 'This is your home for as long as you want.'
I shrugged, telling myself I wasn't bothered one way or the other.
'Sephy, did you love my son?'
'Of course I did. I wouldn't've let him touch me otherwise.' The words came from my heart rather than my head and I cursed silently as soon as I said them. My cheeks were on fire. I looked away from Meggie, unwilling to look at her after revealing something so intimate.
'Then why're you so desperate to believe that he meant what's in that letter?' Meggie asked.
Desperate to believe it? Everything I was and everything I had, clung to the prayer that he hadn't written it, but it did no good.
'Because Callum did write it,' I told her, anguished. Why couldn't she understand that? 'Callum wrote that hateful, hurtful letter – and he did it deliberately. And can you honestly say, hand on heart, that he didn't mean every word?'
Meggie opened her mouth to argue.
'You don't know what he was thinking when he wrote it,' I interrupted. 'He was in prison and about to hang. It's only natural that he would blame me. That he would hate me.'
'Callum wouldn't do that,' said Meggie. 'You've got so used to blaming yourself for what happened to my son that you can't believe everyone else isn't doing the same thing.'
'Sometimes... sometimes I think I've got it wrong. That Callum really did... love me. And then I read his letter again...'
'Then stop reading it and tear the damned thing up,' Meggie insisted. 'Or give it to me and I'll do it.'
This was getting us nowhere.
'It's time for Rose's feed,' I said, standing up.
I really didn't want to listen any more. And I had no intention of arguing with her. Besides, I had to save my voice for my gig later that evening. As I went upstairs, I forced myself to concentrate on the forthcoming gig and nothing else. Which wasn't the best thing for my mood, to be honest. The gig was still a couple of hours away and I was already feeling almost physically sick with nerves. I was actually going to do it. I was going to stand up and sing in front of a club filled with strangers. Mind you, none of them knew me so if I was ruddy awful at least I'd never have to see any of them again. Funny, but if it was a choice between singing in front of hostile strangers or reading Callum's letter again, I knew which one I'd rather do. I'd been in my room less than a minute when Meggie knocked at my door. With a sigh I opened it.
'D'you want me to get you something to eat before you go out?' asked Meggie.
I shook my head. We both knew that wasn't the reason she'd knocked on my door.
'Sephy, will you please give me the letter?' said Meggie. 'The longer you keep it, the more damage it will do. You'll start to believe it...'
'Meggie, I already believe it,' I told her silkily. 'I was stupid to believe anything else.'
'Don't you have any faith in my son at all?' asked Meggie.
I considered. 'I had faith in a lot of things. Faith in my family. Faith that God wouldn't let Callum die. Faith that Callum loved me. Faith in love. Now I know better. Now I know there's no such thing.'
Meggie and I regarded each other. Then Meggie shook her head and walked away.
I shut the door behind her.
