Darling Callie,
We're going home. Tomorrow morning. A firm date at last. Yesterday they said I could go home today but it now looks like it'll definitely be tomorrow. We're going home. At last we're getting out of here. And whilst part of me is looking forward to getting away from this hospital, another part of me is so terrified I'm going to mess up. I know Mother will be there but ultimately it'll be down to me. My daughter, my responsibility. Callie, I look down at you, asleep in my arms, and I still can't believe you're mine.
My daughter.
I'm still so young and I have a daughter. I look at you and it scares me how little I know. About anything. I raise my arms slowly, the better to smell you. You smell so fresh and new. I never get tired of the way you smell. I stroke your cheek and it's as soft as a whisper. That's how I spent my time today, Callie. Gazing at you for countless minutes, drinking you in, until I realized that I was being watched. I looked up and jumped when I saw who was standing at the foot of my bed.
Meggie McGregor. Callum's mum.
I couldn't've been more shocked if she'd marched up to me and slapped me round the face with a frozen kipper. My mouth gaped open as I continued to stare at her.
'Hello, Sephy,' Meggie said quietly.
'Hello... Mrs McGregor,' I said.
I used to call her Meggie, but that was before I realized I had absolutely no right to do so.
'How are you?'
'Fine.'
What was she doing here? I hadn't seen her since before Callum died. What did she want? Had she come to spit in my eye over the death of her son? I wouldn't blame her if she hated me as much as Jude did. That bloody ad in the paper. Another one of my so-called brilliant ideas that'd turned round and bitten me on the bum. My rear end was blood-raw from my so-called brilliant ideas rebounding on me. I glanced down the ward to the nurses' station. If Meggie had come to hurt me or my baby, would I have time to shout for help? Would they have time to run to my assistance? I clutched Callie closer to me. No one, not Meggie, not Jude, not my father, no one was ever going to hurt my child.
'May I sit down?' Meggie asked.
I nodded warily. Meggie sat in the chair at the side of my bed.
'Can I hold her?' Meggie asked, smiling at my baby.
I eyed her uncertainly. 'Mrs McGregor, I—'
'My name's Meggie. And that's my granddaughter,' Meggie told me. 'I love her already.'
I still wasn't sure, but something about the look in her eyes made me believe her. Slowly I handed over my baby. Meggie's eyes lit up as she settled Callie into her arms. I recognized the expression on her face. It was the same one my mother had worn when she first held her granddaughter. And then I knew that Meggie was telling the truth. She really did love Callie already. Very much.
'Her eyes are blue,' Meggie said surprised.
'All babies' eyes are blue,' I told her.
'But I thought that Cross babies' eyes turned brown within a few hours or days. You've been in hospital quite a while now,' said Meggie.
I shrugged.
'She's very beautiful,' smiled Meggie, her eyes on her granddaughter.
'I think so,' I said.
Only then did Meggie look at me. 'Thank you for calling her Callie.'
I shrugged, remembering how Callum hadn't wanted me to. Rose had been his idea. Callie had been mine.
'Callie Rose suits her,' Meggie smiled.
We were talking about nothing, both of us too afraid to say what was really on our minds. I took a deep breath, gathered up my courage and went for it.
'Mrs... Meggie, do you blame me for Callum's death?' I asked.
Meggie looked at me and shook her head. 'No. I never blamed you for what happened to my son.'
'Why not? Jude does.'
'Jude still hasn't found what he's looking for,' sighed Meggie.
'And what's that?'
'I don't think even Jude knows that. But until he can make sense of his own life, he'll blame you and every other Cross for everything that's wrong in it,' said Meggie.
'And you don't?'
'No.'
How wonderful it would be to believe that – even for a moment. With a sigh, I settled back against my pillows.
'Besides, I think you're probably blaming yourself enough for the both of us,' said Meggie.
'You know me so well.' I smiled without humour.
'I should do, Miss Sephy. I brought you up, didn't I?'
Which was no less than the truth.
'Please don't call me Miss Sephy,' I asked. 'Just Sephy will do.'
Miss Sephy... I wondered if she hated calling me that as much as I hated to hear it. It was almost like a member of my own family calling me Miss Sephy. Funny, but when I think of my early childhood, I remember my nanny, Meggie, being there more often than my own mother. Meggie and Callum were my closest friends – until the day Meggie left our house with Callum and hadn't been invited back. After that it was just Callum and me, Meggie and my mother had been so close, but it'd changed in a moment. Funny how life pivoted on single moments, single choices.
'So when d'you think you'll go home?' asked Meggie.
'They've said I can definitely go home tomorrow morning,' I told her.
She looked at me. 'Are you still in your flat?'
'Yes.' I frowned. 'How did you know about that?'
'A friend told me.'
A friend..? Jude?
'No, not Jude,' said Meggie, reading my mind. 'I haven't seen him... to speak to since before Callum died.'
Did I believe her? I had no reason not to.
'I've got a suggestion,' said Meggie.
'What's that?'
'You could move in with me.'
'Sorry?' I was sure that I must've misheard her.
'If you don't like the idea of being alone in a flat, I thought perhaps you could move in with me,' said Meggie. 'I could help you and Callie Rose. I wouldn't try and take over. I just want to help.'
'Oh, but Mother's already—'
'It's common knowledge how your mother feels about you and Callie Rose. But that's not how I feel,' Meggie interrupted. 'Just hear me out. I've thought and thought about this and as we're both alone now, I thought it'd be the ideal solution.'
My heart began to pound inside me – long, loud thuds mocking every breath I took.
'But what about your sister? Aren't you living with her now? I'm sure she won't want me and a baby under her feet,' I said.
Tell her. You 're going to move back home with Mother. Tell her.
'I live in my own place now,' said Meggie. 'It's not big or fancy but it's home. And you're welcome to share it with me.'
'Why... why d'you want to do this?' I asked, bewildered.
'You and Callie are all the family I've got left,' said Meggie.
Just a few words but they echoed with such longing and loneliness that my eyes instantly began to sting. I looked from Callie to Meggie and back again.
'And I'm sure it's what Callum would've wanted,' said Meggie, playing her ace. 'For us to live together as a family.'
My face felt like it was going to crack. But what could I do? I wanted to go home to Mother. I'd set my heart on that.
But Meggie needed us.
So did Mother.
I groaned inwardly. No matter what I decided, I'd end up hurting someone.
All the family I've got left...
The simple truth was that Meggie needed Callie and me more than Mother did. And I owed her.
'Please, Sephy?'
'Are you sure you won't mind being kept awake by a crying baby and having a house smelling of dirty nappies?'
'I'd love it,' Meggie grinned.
'Then I guess you've got two lodgers,' I replied. 'But only on one condition.'
'What's that?'
'You let me pay rent and half of all the bills.'
Meggie looked like she was about argue, but she regarded me and changed her mind. 'OK. That's all settled then.' She handed Callie back to me. 'Thank you, Sephy. I'll come and pick you up first thing tomorrow morning.' Meggie beamed at me. 'Having you and my granddaughter in the house will give me a reason for getting up in the mornings again.'
And with that she set off down the ward. I watched Meggie until she disappeared through the double doors at the end and even then, I couldn't tear my gaze away. What on earth had I done?
'I know this is none of my business,' said Roxie from the bed next to mine, 'but I couldn't help overhearing. I thought you were going home with your mother tomorrow?'
'I guess not,' I said, my voice clipped.
'Who was that woman then?' Roxie asked.
'Meggie McGregor. Callie's grandmother.'
'Why did you say you'd go with her?'
'She needs me.'
'What about what you need?' Roxie asked.
I had no answer.
