Demobbed Defenders Don't Do Too Badly
By Michele A. Berdy
: Defender of the Fatherland Day.
Once upon a time Feb. 23 was (Soviet Army Day), then it got sanitized into the blander (but politically correct) (Defender of the Fatherland Day). But it has always been a , a day when women give gifts to the men in their lives, make fancy dinners, and don't even ask their husbands to help with the cleaning up. This year, I spent it with a group of former army brats, whose memories of their military fathers (all of whom had doctorates) and garrison life in the early 60s (communal apartments that were like a happy dormitory at an Ivy League college) sound like a dream now. As one friend said: , , (the Army was taken over by a bunch of boors and army clowns, and our dads all left the service).
I don't doubt that there are millions of decent folk in the Russian military these days, too, but I'm sure even they would admit that things have gone downhill. Take hazing: In Russian, it's called from the word ("old man," literally grandfather, a senior conscript nearing the end of his tour of duty). In what is euphemistically called " " (unofficial relations), these guys get to order around, humiliate and torture the younger soldiers. Since every minute you serve raises you up the ladder of seniority and farther away from humiliation, there is an elaborate slang to describe each half year of service, with all kinds of variations depending on the branch of the service and even the region you serve in.
Recruits in the fall call-up are called (wolves) or (bears); the spring recruits are called (pheasants). You start out as a (literally "ghost," "soul"), ("youth") or ("baby"). In standard Russian, these guys are (recruits, conscripts) or (greenhorns). In the U.S. Army, these are grunts or buck privates (a soldier of the lowest rank). After six months you become . During the first half of the second year you are (literally a "pot") or . Then you get to be or for your last six months of service.
(from the word "," to work hard) is additional work around the barracks that you do for one of the older conscripts: ? , . (Are you going to go and get some sleep? No, I've got some work to do for one of the old men first.)
Additional work is probably the least of your worries. You are a poor soul indeed if someone says of you: (last night we sodomized one of the grunts).
No wonder recruits look for ways to take it easy or get out. (he goofed off); / (he shirked work, literally "he pretended to be a hose/teapot," i.e. he tried to blend in with the woodwork/wallpaper so as not to be noticed and assigned work.). means "to avoid the draft" or "to avoid work." (he got out of the draft by pretending to be a schizophrenic); (he pretended to be an idiot). Someone who does this is (draft-dodger, goof-off). If you couldn't avoid it, but can't take it, you can always run: (he went AWOL).
If you have the bad luck of serving your term in full, during the last weeks of service (you sit on your suitcases) or (literally "you have suitcase syndrome"). Someone who has received his demobilization orders is called , a wordplay on (moron) and (demobilization). can also be used to mean the demobilization itself: (I was demobbed).
And then, for the rest of your life, on Feb. 23 you get a bottle of cognac, a new tie, and the chance to lie on the couch all day without a word from your wife. What a good deal!
It's One Great Pancake
By Michele A. Berdy
