Frank/Gerard: WISH AU
Prologue
I see him.
I'm sitting here eating my peanut butter and jam sandwich and watching him; that boy with dirty blonde hair, who sits with his friends at lunch everyday, at the same table. My friends. My ex-friends. I sit here awkwardly eating my lunch, alone, wondering why the hell I ever isolated myself from everyone here. Was I too good for them?
No.
More like I thought they were too good for me. No, no, I am too good for them. Once I'm out of high school I'll make other, better friends, and meet people who are just like me. People who I will meet naturally and bond with them. Not because I have to settle and make kind with those I go to school with. Fuck that.
I see them sitting there eating their microwaved meals and I think, "God, that's disgusting."
My head swivels and I silently observe every other little group in this cafeteria. The weird kids who wear nerdy baseball caps and tight-ankled, hand-me-down jeans. The beauty queens from the senior grade who don't eat anything for lunch but water and are probably discussing who's sleeping with whom. Then the strange guy who sits underneath the clock everyday, with the long black coat he always wears. It's stuffy in this place, almost suffocating, and I wonder how the hell he can stand the heat. The jocks are missing from the scene. That's because they never sit in the caf. They all take their girlfriends to McDonald's for lunch everyday. I bet their bodies are rotting away from the inside out.
But my gaze scans back over to the boy with the dirty blonde hair. And the rest of the guys sitting with him. And I remember when we used to hang out all the time, riding bikes or doing stupid shit at the park, such as rolling picnic tables into the pond. Or trying to get a band together, which I kind of laugh at now, because none of us could sing or play an instrument worth shit.
All the phones calls I never answered, and failed to return. Every time they came knocking at my door and I wouldn't hang out. Or when they'd see me around town and ask if I wanted to do something, I'd say, "I'm going home; I'm busy tonight." Eventually they just abandoned all hope and stopped talking to me altogether.
I watch them, together, they are people who have grown up together and will probably continue to keep in touch. I grow vaguely jealous as I observe the way they interact with each other and curse myself for ever cutting off my friends like that. Sometimes they did shit that pissed me off, but everyone gets in fights. And now I had no chance of going back and becoming friends with them again. The real reason I did it?
I was too self-conscious, and I didn't think I was interesting enough for anyone to want to hang out with me, anyways. I'm a fucking coward.
*
Finally, my first step of masking is done, now I can go to the "bathroom". Actually, I'm just planning on wandering the empty hallways of this shithole until class is over and I can come back to get my shit. I don't know how many brain cells that stupid teacher has, but the number must be pretty low if he hasn't yet figured it out that I don't actually go to the fucking bathroom. Not that it matters to me, though; I don't have to be in class! I think I might actually stop at the bathroom today, though. I kept pushing my hair out of my face while I was painting and I'm sure there's paint all in my hair.
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I raised my hand. "Can I go to the bathroom?"
"Yes, Mr. Iero. Don't take all period, today," was the monotonous reply.
I admit, I was shocked. He actually said something today. Like I'd listen to him anyway.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and scuffled down the hallway towards the bathroom, hoping no one would see me because I was sure there were white splotches everywhere.
I shoved the door open and headed straight towards the mirror. I still laugh at the fact that there's a mirror in the dude's fucking bathroom. It looked like a bird had shit on me. I was glad I was the only one in there.
I ducked my head under the tap and squeezed a bunch of soap into my hand. As I was scrubbing furiously at my dark brown locks, I heard the door open as someone walked in and dropped their bag on the floor. I immediately ceased all action and stood up, pretending to be washing my hands. I looked over at my intruder who was watching me in amusement.
"The fuck you looking at?" I spat. Maybe it was a bit harsh, but that's how I cover up my insecurities. I act like a stuck-up motherfucker who doesn't give a shit about anything, and I'm too good for everyone (that's why I have no friends) but realistically I'm so self-conscious it's disgusting, and I hate people looking at me.
"Sorry, it's just, were you washing your hair?"
My tone softened a little. "Yeah, I'm in art class and we were painting, and I got some in my hair." I felt like such a loser. Having a stranger walk in on you while you're washing paint out of your hair in the school bathroom isn't good for your self-esteem; and neither is realizing you're staring at him like a maniac while you explain yourself.
Then he started walking towards me. Who is this kid? Why is he still here?
"You still have a bunch of that shit in your hair."
"Oh, fuck it."
"You like to swear a lot, don't you? Here, I'll get it out for you. Trust me, it happens to me all the time."
Trust me? What was this, fucking Aladdin? "Um okay...so you're an artist, huh?" He was being nice, the least I could do was strike up a conversation.
Then he was standing beside me and I felt even more like an idiot, just standing there awkwardly with my hands at my sides. I looked at him apprehensively and felt my face burn up a little.
"Bend over."
Um, WHAT? Oh, under the fountain. Fuck, Iero, get a grip.
I stuck my head under the water, standing rigidly with my neck craned so that my ass wasn't in his face. I could feel him standing right beside me. His chest was against my shoulder. He even had the nerve to rest his arm on my back unnecessarily and I sort of wanted to turn around and punch him right in the goddamn face. I could tell he was probably one of those clingy fucking emo kids.
He leaned over me to reach the soap dispenser. Okay, so now he was basically on top of me. My heartbeat picked up a little.
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I stood up, knocking him backwards.
"Sorry, I just needed to stretch my back. Uh-thanks, but I think I can, um, do it myself..." I was all shaken up and I couldn't even form proper sentences.
"Shampoo. Don't use this soap shit, it'll wreck your hair."
I don't think he heard what I said. "I don't have shampoo," I huffed, thoroughly annoyed by this point.
"I do." He grinned. That little grin was starting to piss me off.
"Please stop smiling at me." I turned back around to wash my hair myself, trying to get my fucking point across. I stood there, fully bent over this time, just thinking please go away in my head.
Then I could feel another pair of hands lightly massaging my head, and the smell of apples made my eyes shoot open. Bad idea. Shampoo suds burn. What the fuck did this kid think he was playing at?
"It's okay, I can do it myself..."
His movements became a little quicker and his fingertips rubbed at my scalp. It felt so...soothing. He had this calming effect on me and I closed my eyes.
"You carry shampoo with you all the time?" I asked. Really, who the hell carries shampoo in their bag?
"Just today, since I'm going to my grandma's tonight."
"Doesn't she have shampoo?" I had to laugh.
"Well yeah, but I like my shampoo. It's for colour-treated hair and it smells nicer."
"Oh." I didn't really have anything to say to that. "Yeah, it does." I stopped talking and let him wash my hair. This was one of the most fucked up situations I'd ever been in. Honestly, who lets some strange kid wash their hair for them in a school bathroom?
He continuously massaged, rubbed, and scratched my scalp in some spots probably just for the feeling, and damn, it felt good.
"Is it Herbal Essences?"
"Yes, why?"
"I dunno, I kinda like it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah..." I said softly.
"Mmm...that's good." His voice had turned into something of a whisper, and he ran his nails down to the nape of my neck, making me shudder. I didn't want to, but I did.
His hands were trailing down my back, until he reached them around to my front and started to slide down my hips, and in towards my groin.
I gasped, my eyes shooting open.
"Shh," he cooed, as he started to slip his hand into my jeans, taking me by surprise as I was whipped around to face him.
"You like that, too?" He purred in my ear, as he kept one hand on my dick and used the other to undo my button and zipper. I looked down as my pants slid so easily to my ankles and he wrapped a firm fist around my shaft, slowly moving up and down. I looked back up to him as my eyes rolled into the back of my head.
"Oh God, oh...fuck, yeah..."
His hand was warm around me and starting quickening its pace when I thrust my hips forward, whimpering and barely able to breathe. Every last nerve ending went tingly and I felt like I was melting into the dirty floor beneath me. I blindly threw my arms in front of me to land on his shoulders so I could grab a hold of something and stabilize myself. The stranger tightened his grip to the point that it almost hurt but felt so fucking good and no one had ever done anything like that to me before apart from my right hand so I was fucking enjoying myself.
I opened my eyes again, lazily, seeing his eyes locked on mine. He stepped closer to me, reaching his free hand down to caress my balls.
Suddenly his form began to fade from my sight, but the faint outline of the furniture in my room came into view as I realized with embarrassment that my sticky, wet hands were down my pyjama pants and I was definitely lying on my back in bed.
"What the fuck"... I groaned with a raspy throat.
My face burned with embarrassment as I tossed my boxers into the laundry hamper and changed into a new pair. I looked over at the clock and figured I may as well get up now, because I only had about twenty minutes left until my alarm went off, and I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep anyways; not after that dream. Although it would be nice if I could dream that shit up again. I slid into a pair of jeans and threw on a camouflage t-shirt, getting ready for the tedious day ahead. God damn it...
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I didn't know him in my dream but once I came to I knew exactly who he was; yesterday during art class one of the guys from the other class came in. The students were sparsely seated around the room, but he sat down right next to me. Finally, one of the empty seats surrounding me had been filled. He gave me a quirky little smile before he took his seat, but paid me no attention for the remainder of the period.
The whole time I just sat there and pretended to be finishing my masking for my painting project, but I snuck glances over at him every five seconds because I wanted him to fucking look at me; I had never seem him up close before, and I wondered how I could miss something like that because he was fucking hot. He looked spooky. I was pretty sure that he was the one who sat under the clock at lunch everyday. I wouldn't have known it was him if he didn't have that shoulder-length dark hair and large coat.
I tried to find him again in the hallway all day, but I didn't see him. I wouldn't have said anything to him anyways; just stared and admired from afar like the stalker that I am.
Chapter 1
At the bus stop I was really glad I had worn a sweater because it was kind of cold. And it sucks because I left early, so I had to stand outside longer waiting for the bus. I cant wait to get out of this place. Its small and dead with fuck all to do and I cant take it anymore. I think this town is the reason Im so depressed all the time; when theres no excitement I feel like theres no point in anything.
Finally the bus stopped to let me on and I imagined it was my one-way ticket out.
But then I saw all the familiar faces of the people who love this community and have grown up here; and I was forced out of my dream to remember I was on my way to school. Oh well, there was only one month or so till graduation. The day where you got all dressed up and hugged people you didnt give two shits about and the feelings were reciprocated. Its all just for show, until you receive your diploma and it hits you that youre on your way out into the real world.
I am so out of here next fall. I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my life but I do know that I am out of here as soon as I have the chance.
Its spring. The seventh of April, to be exact. The time of year when you always start feeling a bit better about yourself and a little bit worse at the same time. The sun shines a little bit longer into the evening but you know the morning will introduce an angry sky of violent thunder and heavy rain.
You come out of your winter shell and try to become a new person; but you unleash feelings you didnt know you had, sometimes toward the least expected person. With its newfound sunshine and love, spring gives us hope and despair at the same time. Most picture spring as a beautiful season; the snow melts away to reveal brilliant flowers and happiness in the people around. I, on the other hand, dread this time of year. For me, the snow melting away reveals not flowers or dry sidewalks, there are no late evening strolls with your beloved, and it sure as fuck does not reveal hope and happiness.
I dont know why, but around this time of year I just get really down and I feel like Ive got nowhere to go. Maybe Im still trying to find my purpose because I think life is so pointless. I mean, you live, then die, and all you do throughout your life is feed the economy by working and consuming, and then youre mere decomposing matter in the earth.
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And I dont know if its the weather or what, but I always develop feelings for someone I would never want a relationship with. Then I become even more depressed because I cant have that person. Every goddamn year, for some stupid reason, this random fucking boy will just show up out of nowhere and Ill fall in love with him. I think I believe that whole mating season bullshit because it happens every time. Last year was the worst its ever been.
There was this guy in my English class. I sat behind him in the third row from the left, at the back of the class. I never thought anything of him until one morning when he walked in and he made eye contact with me before sitting down - this strange, drawn-out look - and I totally thought he wanted me.
His hair always smelled so nice. It was black and he straightened it. No one has hair that perfect on its own, which made me think, Oh, for sure hes gay.
But then I go to class one morning and see him standing outside with his arms around some fucking girl.
I ended up having to take a summer school course to earn my credit for that class, because I spent the entire goddamn year dreaming he was mine and smelling his shiny hair. I was heartbroken; I couldnt fucking believe it. He had a fucking girlfriend. I went home every night and locked myself in my room, usually crying myself to sleep or scratching deep welts into my legs out of anxiety. That was when I decided that I would never, ever crush on anyone again because all it got me was devastation, depression, and having to go to school in July. Goddamnit.
And, at this time of year, I give up in school because its almost over. I just dont care anymore.
Then summer rolls around.
Its nice staying up until two or three in the morning, watching horror movies and not having to wake up for school. Sometimes I sleep until one oclock in the afternoon and just laze on the couch, then watch TV or write until the sun goes down and comes back up and I do it all over again.
I have no one to answer to, and no work to do - apart from chores. Its all my time and I dont really leave the house too much so that I dont run into anyone from school. I doubt theyd talk to me anyway, but Id rather just not have to see anyone. I dont really mind being alone, sometimes, because I can do what I want, but when I see other people, its a constant nagging reminder that I am alone. Some may think or say Im wasting my life away, and I know that I am, but I cant help it. , - . , , . ,
Im sure things will get off the ground once I move out and far, far away.
Soon, its time for fall, which I dread more than anything, because of school. After two peaceful months of warmth and solitude, I have to come back to this rundown shithole and deal with all these goddamn people I hate so much. They annoy the hell out of me and everyone looks the same except for a select few. I dont even mind some of my classes; its just the fucking people here that I cant stand.
The only thing I like about this season is Halloween, which happens to be my birthday. I dont only love it for my birthday; I think Halloween is great because its the only day of the year when you can dress however the hell you want, and look as spooky and gruesome as possible and no one can say shit to you because youre allowed to look the way you want that day. On any other day I dare not do anything out of the ordinary, because people are always fucking staring.
After a few months of going through that shit, the nights become unbearably cold and the air is dry, and everything is hiding or dead. I hate winter. There is dick-all to do and you dont want to go out, because youll freeze your ass off. But soon enough, winter rolls into spring and here we are, three hundred and sixty five days later, in the exact same spot with the exact same feelings, always dreaming of something more.
So here I sit, knowing I should be out burning off my winter fat, but Im too lazy for that shit, and Id much rather sit in my room, wallow in self-pity and eat a bag of M&Ms. Then I get up to turn on my stereo and I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and I feel guilty about eating all the time; but I justify it by saying People can accept me for who I am.
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If only.
Its always the same damn cycle and I know it all too well. I cant hold back. I start crying and I dont stop until Ive drained my entire body. Im an emotional wreck, but it gets even worse at this time of year, in the spring, when I feel so helpless, hopeless and alone. I wonder what my mom thinks of me, and what she would do if she knew that her seventeen-year old son cried himself to sleep.
Sometimes I have to ask myself why I am so goddamn pathetic and why the fuck I just cant be happy. Sometimes I laugh because I think Im in a movie since Im such a stereotype. Sometimes I have to look down my pants to make sure my balls are still in tact because I act like such a goddamn girl. Sometimes I wonder if this is normal. But most often, I really, really wish I were dead.
Lunchtime is so boring, much worse than class in my opinion. Im reminded of how lonely I am when I see people smiling at each other all around me. I keep thinking to myself that I dont need them and waste time by eating slowly and listening to music.
There are a few kids who, like me, keep to themselves, but I never talk to them. One of them is the guy who visited my art class, the one I dreamt about. He always sits at the table against the wall, right underneath the clock. I see him sitting there every day and it looks like he takes forever to eat. He sits there, listening to music all lunch hour, like I do.
Then there are the kids on the other side of the room who are all loners, but hang out with each other. Theyre so strange. Some of them are on my bus, and at eight oclock in the fucking morning theyre arguing over stupid shit like how Family Guy is way better than The Simpsons, or how religions are all lies, and a bunch of other shit that annoys the hell out of me.
Theres nothing worse than being alone in the cafeteria, because you walk in, you have no one with you, you sit down and eat alone, and its so awkward, because you have nothing to look at, or no one to talk to. So, you have to pretend to keep busy in order to keep people from staring at you, even though Im pretty sure I walk around with a fucking banner that announces I am quite lonely, bored, and apathetic.
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I was staring blankly out the window with my headphones on, when I felt something picking at my head.
My heartbeat picked up a little as I scratched at my scalp, trying not to make it obvious to everyone else that I was probably imagining something in my hair. I ran a hand through it and upon discovering nothing there, I took a sip of my iced tea and gazed back out the window, my chin resting on folded arms.
I sighed and let the music drown out everything around me. But, I couldnt ignore the table shifting as extra weight landed beside me. I figured it was just some more people who wanted to sit down and join the people next to me, so I thought nothing of it, until I felt my headphones being peeled away from my ears. , - , , .
I sat up immediately and glared at the motherfucker beside me, my heart picking up speed. Familiarity caused blood to run up to my face as I turned off my discman and took in a shy face, framed by black hair in dire need of a good brushing.
Shit, oh shit oh shit, its the guy from art yesterday.
I wondered how the hell he found me here and why he was sitting beside me. I felt like such an idiot, just staring at him and letting my jaw drop to the floor, trying to talk the blush out of my cheeks as I thought vividly of that dream. My heart was beating rather quickly as he sat there looking at me expectantly. I cursed myself for being so shy and I knew my face was beet-red and fuck fuck fuck, this was not good.
Um, hi? I said nervously, uncertain of myself.
Hey.
I stared some more, unsure of what to do or say. Whyd you take off my headphones? I asked feebly, putting them in my bag with trembling fingers.
Because I was talking and you werent listening? He was talking down to me as if it was the most obvious thing ever.
Why the hell is he talking to me Well, fuck you; it was getting to the good part.
Well, fuck you, because I was talking!
He glared at me, intimidating me into looking away. I glanced over to the spot under the clock to see if he was indeed the boy who sat there, and of course that place was empty, meaning he definitely was.
I turned back to him and he was still looking at me, only, now he was more watching me than glaring.
W-What are you looking at? Fuck, dont stutter!
Uh, you. What are you listening to?
He cocked his head to the side, making the light from the window light up his eyes. They were an intense green, looking directly into mine, and I wanted to know what the fuck his deal was so that he could get out of here sooner and I could go back to staring out the window, calm and able to breathe.
I looked down. Rise Against. Oh shit, he was talking to me. Note to self: lose headphones permanently. He was talking to me. What were you saying before, when I couldnt hear you?
Our eyes met for a few seconds, making my body go rigid, and I had to look away again before my cheeks flared up once more. Too late. It was one of those looks where you look at someone and you think youre feeling each other but, then again, I know nothing and was probably sorely mistaken. Im not one to judge character very well, but prolonged eye contact unnerves me.
Oh, I just said hi to you like, oh, maybe five times. And then these people were staring at me funny because you werent answering so they probably thought I was delusional, he whispered. He had a hurt look on his face but I could tell he was joking around.
I was curious to know why he was talking to me. I didnt really want him to, because I was getting all flustered and I couldnt speak properly, and I knew that if he got to know me properly, he would eventually abandon me because of my problems. I cant help the way I am. I just wish someone would understand that and would be my friend regardless. Maybe if I had a friend I would feel a little bit better; I would know that someone somewhere out there cared and I had someone to talk to. Im just too nervous all the time. Thats my problem. I tweak out over stupid shit.
Uh whats up? I asked meekly. I had no idea what to say to him.
What did you say your name was? I know you were in that art class yesterday, but I dont know if we talked.
Um, Im Frank, I answered, my voice disappearing little by little.
Oh. Im Gerard.
Hi, I squeaked. I was feeling about three inches tall by this point.
His elbow was resting on the table and he was examining me, taking in all my flaws and probably being more turned off by the second. This was why I chose not to talk to people. I know that if I did, people would think, What the fuck is wrong with this kid, lets get out of here and never want to talk to me again. I think Im like, borderline anxiety or something.
He was making me so fucking nervous and I tried so hard not to fidget with my hands; to just sit the fuck still and look at him directly and talk to him. But thats impossible when youre like me, and when someone is staring at you the way he was staring at me.
Are you okay? he asked.
Yeah, why? What the fuck? Was he reading my mind?
You seem I dunno, what are you thinking about, Frank?
I could feel that clenching pressure inside of me again. I was being squeezed and my vision was going in and out of focus and I subconsciously reverted my eyes to his hands. They were folded in front of him, while his one elbow was still on the table. My mouth was very parched and I watched as he reached up to tuck some hair behind his ear, revealing a very defined jaw. He coughed a bit and smiled at me, his sparkling eyes staring into my dull, empty ones. They were quite a contrast against his complexion.
Frank?
Oh! Sorry, um I just nothing, I breathed, my face reddening.
I was way too flattered by the fact that he had remembered my name and bothered to repeat it, but also that he was talking to me. A stranger - coming over to speak with me.
Okay well, I came to talk to you about something.
I felt like I was about to be violently ill; my stomach turned inside out and my throat closed up. Oh yeah?
He nodded slowly, looking to the side then back at me. He was kind of creepy. My hands wouldnt stop shaking and I desperately needed a drink, but I knew that if I were to grab my iced tea, he would see my hands quivering. I tucked them in between my knees to will off the shakes.
I noticed you like the Pixies. I saw it written on your backpack yesterday. Im not trying to be a stalker or anything, but youre like the only person I know who likes them. And I don't even know you. Isn't that funny?
Yeah, I love them. More people need to be into better music.
Hell, he noticed me? He noticed my fucking backpack, too?
Yeah. So, I was wondering... because they have a reunion tour and my parents wont let me go alone... I was gonna ask you if you wanted to go with me
He turned so he was fully facing me, blocking me from the rest of the world with his long, black coat and wide shoulders. Like shelter. His legs were on either side of the bench and his knee brushed mine. I felt like he was trapping me into a corner and soon I wouldnt be able to budge, and Id suffocate.
Gerard, youre too close for comfort.
Oh
Youre the only one I know whos into them, and I dont even know you. Isnt that funny? he asked again.
A Pixies concert. With him. Hes fucking mocking me. He saw that written on my bag? He didnt even turn in my direction the whole class!
Are you serious? I frowned. I guess this is where people jump out with cameras and microphones and tell me it is all a joke.
Yes
Sure, Ill go. W-when is it?
He squealed and slid forward, squeezing me with his arms. I jumped at his sudden movement and kept my hands between my knees. He pulled back, seeing my flushed face and grinned at me with a shy expression. I just stared at him in complete disbelief. Honestly, how the fuck is this happening? Am I dreaming again? Did I even wake up this morning?
Its gonna rip, he said, flashing me his small sharp teeth once again. Its June fourth.
Arent tickets sold out by now?
No! Well, yeah, but I got them the minute they went on sale so that Id have them in case I found someone to go with.
What the hell. Ive heard that if people are being nice to you, its only because they want something out of you, and then theyll let you down once theyve gotten what they wanted in the first place. Then it dawned on me. He was using me. He didnt know anyone else who wanted to go with him, and he only asked me because he really had to be there, and his parents wouldnt let him go alone.
So... youre using me, then?
He stared at me. What the fuck are you talking about? Using you for what?
Your parents wont let you go alone, so youre asking me to go?
He frowned. No
Then why are you asking me?
He shrugged, You seem really cool. Itd be nice to have a friend for once.
That shut me up. Wait, which of us is he talking about? Him having a friend for once or me having a friend for once? Does he spy on me all the time and decide I need a friend?
Oh, I see. Well, yeah, Ill go with you.
Frank, Im not in any way using you, at all. Please dont think of me like that. I just want to be your friend. You seem kinda I dont know, you look lonely
Thanks for pointing out the obvious, because I didnt already know that I had no one, so thank you for putting that into perspective for me, and rubbing it in. Yes, we will be the best of friends, Gerard.
So, can I have your phone number so we can discuss details and shit?
My eyes went huge.
Oh! Yeah, here. I reached into my bag and grabbed a pen. With my own still trembling, I scribbled my number down on the back of his hand. I pressed down ever so gently, afraid to tear through his skin and dig into the veins below.
They crawled along his bones and ran to the tips of his fingers, bulging from beneath his thin flesh, carrying his blood along throughout his arteries then back to his heart.
I looked from his fingers all the way up to his forearm and I imagined his blood trickling like a creek within the walls of his skin, racing my eyes. I could feel his eyes on me as I did so, and when I looked up our eyes locked for a second, before I turned away, embarrassed.
Frank?
Yeah? I asked, still looking away.
Look at me.
I did, and I honestly think I was hyperventilating.
He scanned my face for a second, making me even redder than before, before asking, Is something wrong with me?
No
Then why were you staring at my arm all funny before?
I dont know, I was thinking about something.
Like what?
Well, I have this, um, biology test this afternoon and I uh, just wanted to see if I knew all the parts of the, um, hand.
He gave me a skeptical look and shrugged, then stood up and announced that he needed a fucking smoke and that he would call me later. He walked away, leaving me sitting speechless and completely in shock. As he approached the exit, he turned around and gave me a small smile before leaving, but I didnt see it because I definitely was not watching him the entire time.
I think Im in love.
Fuck, here we go again.
Chapter 2
Needless to say, I got no sleep all week.
Monday was a good start to those five days at school, because I had met Gerard.
I was sitting on my bedroom floor just thinking about how fucking awesome it was when he'd come and spoken with me. I sat there before and after supper replaying what I remembered from our conversation, over and over in my head, and I just smiled and smiled like the biggest fucking moron on the face of the planet. But then I realized that every time he asked me a question or addressed me, I had blushed and stumbled over my words. So I recited everything to myself, but whenever he would say something, I would make myself reply with something witty and sound so smart and cool.
Despite his promise, by the time I went to bed that night, he hadnt called.
By Tuesday, the phone still wasnt ringing, but I was kinda high on thoughts of seeing the Pixies, so my spirit wasnt completely drained. Id been into them since forever, but I still hadnt gone to see them play, so of course I was feeling pretty good about things.
However, as I tried to fall asleep, I kept wondering and wondering what was going on, and from then on I could tell that it was getting me down. I stayed up most of the night tossing and turning, but not finding a comfortable position to sleep in. Each time I thought I was about to fall asleep, I kept thinking about sleeping, so of course, I remained awake.
But the main thing eating at my mind was that boy.
Wednesday afternoon was the afternoon that I decided to just give up because he obviously was never going to call. He probably hadnt even planned on it in the first place. Maybe that was why he sat alone. Maybe he thought he was too good for everyone.
Regardless, I lost all hope, but it was even worse because I was anticipating a call from someone. No one ever called me. I got so excited over one fucking phone call that when it never happened, it just hurt. A lot. I went to bed that night feeling defeated and desperatly wishing to die in my sleep. It wasn't very fun.
I hadnt even seen him around school. It was strange because even though I hardly ever saw him in the halls before, I would always see him at lunch sitting underneath the clock. However, he hadnt been there all week.
I know its terribly pitiful to become so obsessed with someone after speaking with them just once, but I couldn't be blamed. It was entirely new to me, to have someone initiate conversation or ask me to accompany him somewhere.
I left each of my classes every day for at least half an hour, and just wandered, hoping that Id see him somewhere. During lunches I sat with my food and nothing else. Since Monday, I hadnt brought my portable CD player to school.
By that point I was just starting to get fucking angry because I didn't understand how he could do that someone. He was already in my head. Every thought revolved around him. Where is he? When is he going to call? What is he up to right now? What should I wear tomorrow to impress him? Was it really that funny to make friends with the loner and then laugh as you dont keep your promise? Fuck you man, fuck you.
Basically, my entire week consisted of rushing home everyday after school and stealing the phone from the kitchen, sitting it atop my bed and waiting anxiously for it to ring. Four days of nothing but waiting and I could have been doing something productive, such as staring at the ceiling or wishing I were dead.
It was Thursday night when I was drying dishes for my mom and I heard it. My mom answered and handed the phone over, saying the call was for me.
I froze.
This is it. Hes finally calling. He has been thinking about me all week and now hes going to ask me out because hes in love with me. No, Mom, Ill get it when Im done the dishes; its okay. But I cant see him or talk to him ever again! Im such a loser! Once he talks to me for real and finds out how uncool I am hes going to drop me like something that gets dropped... what the fuck...
Its alright, just dont be too long. You never get phone calls.
I dont care about housework - I fucking hate it, actually - but this time I didnt want to answer the phone because I knew exactly who it would be.
I took it from her reluctantly, clearing my throat. Hello?
Hey, Frankie?
Uh, yeah, whos this?
Bullshit. Like I didnt know.
Its Gerard.
Oh, hey whats up? Fuck fuck fuck, please dont ask me to hang out with you
Nothing much, just wondering if youre doing anything later, because maybe we could hang out and talk about the concert.
My eyes went wide and if I opened my mouth I knew I would throw up the entire meal I had just eaten. Oh, okay, uhh, let me ask, hold on. I covered up the mouthpiece and waited a while as I made him believe I was asking my mom about it, then said to him, Im sorry, Im busy tonight. My mom wont let me, so maybe
Frank! Dont be so rude! My mother screeched, standing right beside me. Of course you can go out.
I scowled. Um, I guess I can hang out later, yeah. When and where?
How about we meet at the park at seven?
Sure, see you then.
I hung up the phone and tried to ignore my mothers lecturing about lying to people and how rude and inconsiderate I was being.
Okay, Mom, Im sorry.
So, whos that calling for you?
My friend, Gerard. I cringed at that statement, my fingers tingling.
Oh, how come Ive never met him before? She crossed her arms and looked down upon me, which was possible because even though she was shorter than me, she could be quite intimidating and was very good at making me feel small. You should have him over sometime.
I only met him this week.
Ah. Well, be home before ten and stay out of trouble! Its a school night!
Yeah, okay, because Im obviously the type to go get into trouble.
After managing to not break any dishes despite my spazzing hands, I jogged upstairs and collapsed on my bed, staring at the ceiling fan above my body. Its okay, everything will be fine. Just go to the park, discuss the concert, and come back home. I breathed heavily out of my nose for a few minutes to calm my nerves and grabbed a warm sweater, then brushed my teeth so I would have minty fresh breath for him.
While walking, all moisture from my mouth was evaporating into the cool spring air, leaving me parched and unable to swallow. My tongue sat in my mouth like a cadaver, completely deadweight. I knew I wouldnt be able to speak to him. , . .
I couldnt believe it, though. I was on my way to the park, to meet up with the kid from the clock Weird as shit to think about myself going on a date. Well, at least Id like to consider it a date. He called me and asked to hang out, which, in my mind, means date. Thats right. Im wanted.
So, scared, I walked on, knowing full well that when I did see him, Id want to run away again because Id be so panicky and afraid and unsure of what to do. Hes just a person hes just a person But I wasnt so easily convinced. I knew that Id mess things up.
I get all worked up because I never know what to talk about with people. I can never just go with the flow and be collected and poised; no, Id be losing my cool and worrying myself because whenever I get what I want, I tend to push it away. Im not sure what makes me do that, other than the fact that I get all self-conscious and I feel undeserving, almost guilty, if things go my way. I dont know why. I just believe that Im taking too much from someone and I hate doing that. And I tend to get bored easily, so once I catch what I was chasing, I turn away from it. I think thats another factor to the presently lonely and empty life I am living.
But it wouldnt be that way for long. Soon Id be at the park, sitting with Gerard. I could only pray that Id be able to have a good talk with him and not just sit there fidgeting the entire time, while hed say things and Id zone out, my mind buzzing with the realization that I was sitting beside him. I think things would be a lot easier for me if he wasnt so goddamn gorgeous and strange.
I pondered possible topics of conversation. We could talk about music, life, or school. The usual boring shit. I imagined him sitting on the swing beside me as he dragged his feet along the ground, gently swinging back and forth, the wind pushing his hair into his eyes, then he would use a delicate finger to swipe it away and he would look over at me and flash his tiny teeth.
That was so weird about him. He had the tiniest, sharpest looking teeth I had ever seen; they looked almost like an evil little babys, but his rough, scary exterior more than made up for it.
My thoughts were interrupted by the outline of the playground coming into view; the only playground in these suburbs.
And there he was.
Part II
As soon as I saw him, the skin on my face felt like it was melting and falling off my skull. I cleared my throat quietly in hopes that I could have an understandable speaking voice. I didnt want that lunch period to repeat itself.
He sat on top of the slide, wearing that same jacket as his hair hung in front of his face. Concentrated on the cigarette he was lighting, he cupped his hands so the wind wouldnt put the flame out. He looked up when he heard my footsteps trudging along through the sand. He gave a smile, as big as possible with a smoke between his lips, and he looked a little worn out. He patted the slide beside him and, using two fingers, removed the cigarette and exhaled to the side.
The playground consisted of a broad, red slide attached to a wooden platform, with a wall of rubber tires. The generic swingset stood outside the sandbox and towered over the roughed up picnic table. I guess that was why teenagers have bad reputations; because most of us have nothing better to do with our time than destroy things and write FUCK all over the surfaces where kids go to play.
Of course, seeing as how I never think things through, I ran up the slide and turned around, sitting down and stretching my legs out in front of me all within the span of two seconds.
I slid right back down.
Gerard burst into a fit of wicked giggles; he had this crazy, high-pitched laugh sounding like a hyena. Actually, I had never heard a hyena laugh before. But I knew that from watching The Lion King they are fucking creepy little animals. I made up my mind that I was unquestionably scared of him. I sat at the end of the slide watching him for a second, before I started laughing, too. I tried to catch my breath as I climbed up and joined him once again, this time crossing my legs.
How are you, Frankie? he asked in a low, raspy voice, as I felt his arm snaking around my waist.
Jesus Christ. Hes putting the moves on me what do I do... what do I do...
Then he fucking pushed me back down.
I let out a yelp and I landed on the ground, flat on my ass. He started cackling again and slid down to sit beside me; meanwhile, I thought I was going to cry.
What the fuck did you do that for? I glared at him, trying to ignore the dull pain in my tailbone.
He stopped laughing and looked at me for a minute before letting out a little giggle. He lay back against the cold plastic to stare up at the darkening sky. Youre funny, Frankie. Be my friend. He sighed dramatically, exerting a sound of giving up, of defeat.
Ill be your friend, but you really shouldnt push me down slides, I retorted.
He shot up, his bottom lip pouting as he hugged me. Im sorry. It was just... really fucking funny to watch. He pulled back and smiled at me, and I smiled back. He let out another one of those high-pitched, evil giggles.
This guy is fucking nuts.
Suddenly he was silent and was watching me, similar to how he had done at school. It is slightly disturbing when someone is just sitting there fucking staring at you.
What are you looking at?
Nothing. So hows school going for you?
Shitty, you?
Same. He nodded and looked ahead.
I hate everyone there, I mumbled. "I just don't... I don't feel like I fit in, or something. Something's not right."
Yeah, me too. Theyre all the same. And I hate those kids who travel in herds and cling to each other. They piss me right the fuck off. I especially hate guys who think they're tough shit, when they're nothing at all.
Yeah. Theyre so annoying, right?
Yes. So, I have a car, so I can drive there, he told me, completely changing the subject. Do you want to eat before we leave for the show or get something on the way?
What? What are we talking about?
The Pixies, man!
The concert. I had almost forgotten about why I came here to meet up with him in the first place. I felt a quick surge of butterflies in my stomach.
I dont know, get something on the way, I guess. Why are we planning it already? Cant it wait a month or two?
He looked at me, jaw dropped. No! We have to plan this shit out now!
Oh. Okay then.
Why is he so weird? Who the hell does this before a concert?
Yeah, so, anyway, Ill drive there. We need to be there before seven because thats when the doors open.
Yeah, probably. At least that part made sense to me. Do you uh, like, want money for gas? I asked, practically flailing my arms around as I grew nervous after being reminded of his friendly invite. Fuck, man, you cannot do that shit right now. Keep them pinned at your sides and be calm.
Naw, its okay. Save your money for a shirt. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
What? What the fuck are you looking at?
Im looking at you. Thats kinda funny that you do that all the time, Frankie. You always ask me what the fuck Im looking at when you know damn well Im looking at you.
I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. It was getting really uncomfortable. I imagined his taunting voice whispering, Im looking at you Im looking at you
He reached into his pocket to retrieve his smokes, pulling one out and sticking it in his mouth. He even offered me one, to which I scoffed, disgusted.
You know you take seven minutes off your life with every cigarette you smoke? I asked rhetorically, eyeing the white stick.
You gotta choose your poisons, he replied, the cigarette balanced between his lips.
You just had one of those! Why are you having another one?
Because I need it, Frankie. You afraid Im gonna die? He grinned lazily at me, his eyes half-closed. He cupped his hands around his mouth as he tried to light up, angrily flicking the igniter.
Fuck! he mumbled. Click, click. Piece of shit!
Here, can I try? I asked, just as an excuse to make conversation.
Yeah, doll. Hit me up."
I flicked it a few times, cupping my free hand around it the way I had seen him do it, but to no avail. I tried a few more times and all I got was a friction burn on my thumb. I tried again and finally it lit up, making me smile with glee. I held it up as I reached toward him, cautious, as I was afraid of burning him.
He turned and leaned into the lighter with his cigarette still in his mouth, and he looked up at me, blinking slowly, while the flame was caught.
Thanks, doll, he said, still watching me and retreating to his previous sitting position.
I blushed, handed him his lighter, and tried not to smile while my face heated up. We had definitely just shared a moment. Way too close. Wow. Awkward.
Frankie, are you okay? Your face is really red.
Goddamnit. He likes to point out the obvious, I see.
No, Im okay.
Youre blushing.
No, Im not. I was holding my breath so that I wouldnt have to breathe in the cigarette smoke.
Yeah. That was smooth. That was good.
Bullshit.
I glared at him, trying to look intimidating.
He simply smiled and asked, Can I ask you something?
No! Umm, sure? Oh God, oh God what. My heart began to intensify its beating.
He looked down at his shoes and murmured, Are you gay, Frank?
I looked at him, trying to appear repulsed. Are you kidding me? Thats sick. I knew my hurried answer was a dead giveaway to the truth, but I tried to maintain eye contact for credibility.
Oh, really? Thats cool. Sorry, then.
Okay My heart was pounding so furiously that I felt it in my ears and behind my eyes. I really wanted to just bury my face in my arms, or something.
But you know what I think?
I swallowed noticeably, and suddenly my voice was caught in my throat, unable to push through and escape my lips. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and I could see him leaning towards me and examining my face.
I think youre lying to me, he whispered, the breath barely reaching my ears, but I heard it all the same, as his intriguing eyes darted all around my facial features.
Well... what makes you say that? I faced ahead of me and tried to sound as cool and collected as possible, but it didn't work very well.
I could feel his warmth right next to me. We were pressed side to side, and I dared to turn and look directly at him. His green eyes were lit and burning, much like the smokes he insisted on consuming, one after the other. He stared right back. Suddenly his eyes dropped to my mouth, then back up into mine before closing. He leaned in closer.
Lets see. His lips were barely parted, I could smell the cigarette on him, and my breathing hitched as he laid his lips upon mine.
The sensation caused all else to dissolve into nothingness, the softness of his mouth against mine was something I'd never experienced before. It scared the shit out of me. Why did he just do that? Sitting back, my eyes skittered around in fear. I watched as he opened his eyes and looked back at me, his mouth looking hungry for more.
I swallowed. My pulse quickened. A throbbing overwhelmed my brain until it hurt and my vision lost focus. I needed to leave. I needed to stay away from him. I felt guilty. I had to run. He knew the truth about me.
Oh my God I whispered. I got up, wiping the dirt off my jeans and turned around to get the hell out of there.
Frank, where are you going?
I heard him stand up behind me, but I ignored him. My first kiss. That was my first kiss. Well, I certainly did not imagine it to be happening like that. I kept my head straight and focused on the sidewalk ahead of me. I was almost there
Out of nowhere, he grabbed my arm and jerked me back, not letting go. What are you doing?
I I have to go home I gasped.
His eyes, his glares, that kiss; while attached to me he must have sucked the air out of me, leaving me to crumble and wither away.
Are you lying to me? Im so sorry... please dont run away. I just want to talk to you.
No, no I dont think thats a good idea. I felt very lightheaded and my heart was pounding, I couldnt breathe properly and I needed to get out of there as quickly as possible.
Please, just talk to me. I wont touch you, I promise. Im really, really sorry. I didnt mean to do that. His eyes were almost pleading, begging for me to cave.
I bet I regret it more, Gerard, I whispered.
Whats that? he was whispering, too.
"You... just... I'm sorry. I can't -
I knew I was going to regret it later, but in that moment, I needed nothing more than to run away and hide somewhere and feel safe. I felt way too vulnerable, and I wasn't poised as I should have been. I was ruining everything.
Come on, lets go sit back at the park. He tugged on my arm and I realized he hadnt let it go yet.
No, Gerard, you dont understand.
Come on, Frankie, he repeated, still tugging on my arm like an incessant child.
I pulled my limb out of his grasp. You dont want to.
For fucks sake, Frank, I have no friends as it is. Can you just pretend to be mine for the next goddamn hour? Ill walk you home after... just I told you I was sorry what the fuck is wrong?
Nothing. My knees were shaking by that point, trembling so much as to keep me from balancing very well, and I felt like if I didnt escape to the safety of my home soon, that the bones in my legs would splinter and snap. And I would be left in the grass, a pile of broken limbs.
One person was vaguely showing an interest in me and I was fucking it up already. Why couldnt I hold a decent conversation and just suck it up and accept the fact that I was socializing? Why couldnt I just be more confident? Maybe he does want to be my friend. He said he had none
Hes using me.
No, hes not.
Yes, he is. Everyone says they have no friends.
Shut the fuck up.
I looked to him, took in a breath, and said, Okay.
I walked over to the base of a steep hill and began to ascend, careful not to lose my footing. He was following close behind me and I felt a bit better because I knew that if I fell, he would be right there to catch me. As I reached the top, I collapsed, panting and feeling as though my legs were about to melt, seeing that Gerard felt the same as he sat beside me, breathing heavily. He tilted his head so his cheek was on his shoulder and he looked up at me.
At least now I had a valid reason to be out of breath.
You arent that mad at me, are you? He gave a weak smile and lay back on the flat ground, causing the dry grass to rustle beneath him.
I lay back as well, closing my eyes and trying to relax. Im not mad at you, Gerard.
Im glad.
And for a few minutes we remained silent, waiting for our bodies to return to normal.
It was peaceful, with our steady breathing the only sound filling the air; the cool, late evening breeze whispering over us. I looked into the darkening sky and followed an airplanes taillights as they blinked erratically and flew across the wide open space.
Frankie I wonder about you. I know I don't know you very well, and I don't really have the right to ask you this, but is there anything bothering you? I could talk to you if you want. I really would like to be your friend. I just... I'm really sorry for what happened down there. I was just joking around, being a fool. Are you okay?
I let out a sigh and sat up. He grabbed my arm again; the wide expanse of his hand curled around it as he pulled me back. Dont run away again.
I won't. I dont know whats wrong with me. Im just not good with people.
Why not?
I dont fucking know! I just get all nervous and I cant speak. I looked down and though I knew I was playing with the hem of my sweater anxiously, I couldnt stop.
He looked up at me and kind of giggled and told me I was kind of fucked up, but it was okay. Go on. Im listening.
I took a shaky breath and continued, I just get really shy. I feel like Im unworthy and no one should look at me so, I stay away from people.
You feel unworthy?
I frowned, not really knowing what to say. Why am I like this? I guess its just because I dont have that much self-esteem. Im scared of everyone.
I can change that. He smiled at me, a genuine, friendly smile.
I smiled back, briefly, wondering if I should question his intentions. Why exactly had he kissed me? Why did you - um - before I gestured desperately so he would understand, but only managed to further prove that I was a nervous spaz.
What?
Down there you kissed me
Oh! That. I was only proving a point: that you are, in fact, gay. And yet again he showed his itty bitty baby teeth, eyes glittering, but it only lasted a second, before he frowned. I said I was sorry.
Ah, no, its alright I was just wondering. So, you kissing me makes me gay, then? How the hell does that work?
You know, if were gonna be friends, you cant be lying to me about things like that.
I let out a nervous laugh. Okay, Gerard. Are you?
Am I what, in love with boys? Yes. He was grinning widely and staring at me.
Holy fucking shit, I thought, hes going to eat me, or something.
What the fuck? Stop staring at me.
Youre so gay, Frankie.
Shut the fuck up!
He stood up and made a limp wrist and started to strut around, saying with a lisp, Im Frankie! And I like it up the ass! And I carry a purse, and lipstick, and the boys just -
I didnt give him a chance to finish. I tackled him from behind, trying to push him over, but he was stronger than I had anticipated and kept his ground.
Fuck you, Gerard!
He was laughing like mad and he was trying to throw me off, but I held on tighter and wouldnt let go. I had my arms around his middle and my body was tight against his; I could barely reach around him since I was a few inches shorter. I kept pulling him to the side, hoping to throw off his balance but nothing was fucking working. I was shit at fighting. He wriggled around, but I held on tighter, trying hard to knock him over. Suddenly he whipped out of my grasp and turned around, grabbing my arms and pinning them at my sides.
He gasped for air and I could feel his hot breath on my face. He said, If I didnt know any better, I would think you were just trying to fuck me like an animal.
I made a weak attempt at punching him in the arm. Bite me.
The next thing I witnessed was him taking my hand up to his mouth, where his teeth are located, and then his mouth opened and my finger was between his teeth as he bit down ever so gently.
Happy now?
My jaw dropped, my eyes narrowed and I just stared in shock and awe from him to the indentations on my finger, back and forth.
You actually bit me.
You told me to. I like to bite.
I gave him a funny look, to which he shrugged, and sat back down.
I joined him but couldn't think of anything to say.
You know how you said you have no friends? I asked, breaking the silence after a long lull in conversation. It was getting really quiet and making me uncomfortable.
Pshh, I have friends.
Then why did you tell me you didnt?
I hadnt really met you, yet, Frankie.
Oh. Damn.
Were gonna be friends, okay? Dont worry about your - he used his fingers as quotation marks - social anxiety you dont have to be shy around me.
Uh, thanks? I said, as more of a question than a statement, looking into my lap.
Anything on your mind? You look a little sad.
No, Im fine. Um... thank you.
I had a new friend. Maybe everything would be okay; maybe things would be a little easier to bear.
We should stick together, he continued. Because all you can do is stand up for yourself, but life is so much better if you have someone to fight beside.
Its like youre reading my mind, or something, thats so weird. Thats exactly what Im thinking right now.
He smiled softly and suggested we get going because it was late and I looked tired, that I should really get some rest and hed see me tomorrow at school.
Come on; Ill walk you home.
I yawned noticeably, my eyes watering and blurring my vision. I smiled and stood up, and we began our descent. He told me he would go first to make sure it was safe.
Fuck, man, Im not a girl. Besides, it was fine on the way up, so why would it be any different on the way down?
He turned around and scowled at me, saying, Fuck you, Im just being nice."
I followed him, stepping exactly where he did, and landed safely at the bottom.
I hate hills, I announced as we walked through the park, both a little out of breath.
Yeah, next time we should just stay on the swings or something.
As long as you dont push me off, I joked.
He laughed a little, and I guess it threw him a bit off balance or something because he walked closer to me for a second, and our hands accidentally brushed together before he moved back over. Neither of us said anything about it. We traveled on in silence the whole way, which made for a long walk. I told him he didnt have to walk me home, but he protested and stayed at my side until I turned to walk up my driveway.
Bye, I quickly muttered.
I hope to see you tomorrow.
"You will."
And I continued up the driveway, thankful the lights were out; it meant my mom was asleep and she wouldnt be asking me questions as I got in the door.
So, things had been adequately uncomfortable.
I quietly turned the doorknob and entered, cautiously removing my shoes and padding down the hall into my room. I didnt bother brushing my teeth because I did before I left and I hadnt eaten anything, so I reasoned they were still clean. I shut my door and changed in the darkness, careful not to make any noise. I didnt want to wake my mom.
I left the door closed and crawled into my bed, settling under the blankets and trying to find a desirable position. I lay on my side, hands curled beneath the pillow as I stared out at the wall. Strips of light would scan over the ceiling as cars passed my house, but I barely took notice of it.
I could only think of Gerard, my new friend, hopefully a confidant and someone to help me get better.
He had fucking kissed me. I had my first kiss! It wasn't exactly romantic or
beautiful or even significant of anything... he said he was proving his idea that I was gay. I still was not quite sure how that worked; but he kissed me all the same.
Please Gerard, I whispered aloud, be the one to save me.
Chapter 3
As I ate breakfast the next morning, I thought about the previous night obsessively, to the point that my stomach was so upset from nerves that I couldnt eat anymore.
I took a final swig of peach juice and rinsed out my dishes, wondering to myself, What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so nervous? Hes just a person. He has the same goddamn anato
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