I ran down the short hall on the other side of the living room. There were two doors facing each other, one giving on her bedroom and the other leading to an office-study. The doors were shut, but the bathroom door at the end of the hall was open. The harsh fluorescent light showed vomit splattered on the ring of the toilet bowl. There was more on the pink tile floor and the rim of the bathtub. There was a bottle of pills standing beside the soapdish on the sink. The cap was off. I ran to the bedroom.
She was lying crosswise on the mussed coverlet, wearing a slip and one suede moccasin. The other had dropped off onto the floor. Her skin was the color of old candle wax, and she did not appear to be breathing. Then she took a huge snoring gasp and wheezed it back out. Her chest remained flat for a terrifying four seconds, then she jerked in another rattle of breath. There was another overflowing ashtray on the night table. A crumpled Winston pack, charred at one end by an imperfectly stubbed-out cigarette, lay on top of the dead soldiers. Beside the ashtray were a half-empty glass and a bottle of Glenlivet. Not much of the Scotch was gonethank God for small favorsbut it wasnt really the Scotch I was worried about. It was the pills. There was also a brown manila envelope on the table with what looked like photographs spilling out of it, but I didnt glance at them. Not then.
I got my arms around her and tried to pull her into a sitting position. The slip was silk and slithered through my hands. She thumped back onto the bed and took another of those rasping, labored breaths. Her hair flopped across one closed eye.
Sadie, wake up!
Nothing. I grabbed her by the shoulders, and hauled her against the head of the bed. It thumped and shivered.
Lea me lone. Slurry and weak, but better than nothing.
Wake up, Sadie! You have to wake up!
I began to slap lightly at her cheeks. Her eyes remained shut, but her hands came up and triedweaklyto fend me off.
Wake up! Wake up, dammit!
Her eyes opened, looked at me without recognition, then shut again. But she was breathing more normally. Now that she was sitting, that terrifying rasp was gone.
I went back to the bathroom, dumped her toothbrush out of the pink plastic glass, and turned on the cold tap. While I filled the glass, I looked at the label on the pill bottle. Nembutal. There were ten or a dozen capsules left, so it hadnt been a suicide attempt. At least not an overt one. I spilled them into the toilet, then ran back to the bedroom. She was sliding down from the sitting position Id left her in, and with her head cocked forward and her chin down against her breastbone, her respiration had turned raspy again.
I put the glass of water on the nightstand, and froze for a second as I got a look at one of the photographs sticking out of the envelope. It could have been a womanwhat remained of the hair was longbut it was hard to tell for sure. Where the face should have been, there was only raw meat with a hole near the bottom. The hole appeared to be screaming.
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I hauled Sadie up, grabbed a handful of her hair, and pulled her head back. She moaned something that might have been Dont, that hurts. Then I threw the glass of water in her face. She jerked and her eyes flew open.
Jor? Wha you doon here, Jor? Why-my wet?
Wake up. Wake up, Sadie. I began to slap her face again, but more gently now, almost patting. It wasnt good enough. Her eyes started to slip closed.
Go way!
Not unless you want me to call an ambulance. That way you can see your name in the paper. The schoolboard would love that. Upsa-daisy.
I managed to get my hands linked behind her and pulled her off the bed. Her slip rucked up, then fell back into place as she crumpled to her knees on the carpet. Her eyes flew open and she cried out in pain, but I got her on her feet. She swayed back and forth, slapping at my face with more strength.
Get ow! Get ow, Jor!
No, maam. I put my arm around her waist and got her moving toward the door, half-leading and half-carrying her. We made the turn toward the bathroom, and then her knees came unhinged. I carried her, which was no mean feat, given her height and size. Thank God for adrenaline. I batted down the toilet ring and got her seated just before my own knees gave out. I was gasping for breath, partly from effort, mostly from fright. She started to tilt toward starboard, and I slapped her bare armsmack.
Sit up! I shouted into her face. Sit up, Christy, goddammit!
Her eyes fought open. They were badly bloodshot. Who Christy?
Lead singer with the Rolling Fucking Stones, I said. How long have you been taking Nembutal? And how many did you take tonight?
Got a scrishun, she said. None your biness, Jor.
How many? How much did you drink?
Go-way.
I spun the tubs cold tap all the way, then pulled the pin that turned on the shower. She saw what I meant to do, and once again began to slap.
No, Jor! No!
I ignored her. This wasnt the first time that Id put a partially dressed woman into a cold shower, and some things are like riding a bike. I lifted her over the rim of the tub in a quick clean-and-jerk Id feel in the small of my back the next day, then held on tight as the cold water smacked her and she began to flail. She reached out to grab the towel bar, yelling. Her eyes were open now. Beads of water stood in her hair. The slip turned transparent, and even under such circumstances it was impossible not to feel a moment of lust as those curves came into full view.
She tried to get out. I pushed her back.
Stand there, Sadie. Stand there and take it.
H-How long? Its cold!
Until I see some color come back into your cheeks.
W-Why are you d-d-doing this? Her teeth were chattering.
Because you almost killed yourself! I shouted.
She flinched. Her feet slipped, but she grabbed the towel bar and stayed upright. Reflexes returning. Good.
The p-p-pills werent working, so I had a d-drink, thats all. Let me get out, Im so cold. Please G-George, please let me get out. Her hair was clinging to her cheeks now, she looked like a drowned rat, but she was getting some color in her face. Nothing but a thin flush, but it was a start.
I turned off the shower, got my arms around her in a hug, and held her as she tottered over the lip of the tub. Water from her soaked slip pattered onto the pink bathmat. I whispered into her ear: I thought you were dead. When I came in and saw you lying there, I thought you were fucking dead. Youll never know how that felt.
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I let her go. She stared at me with wide, wondering eyes. Then she said: John was right. R-Roger, too. He called me tonight before Kennedys speech. From Washington. So what does it matter? By this time next week, well all be dead. Or wish we were.
At first I had no idea what she was talking about. I saw Christy standing there, dripping and bedraggled and full of bullshit, and I was utterly furious. You cowardly bitch, I thought. She must have seen it in my eyes, because she drew back.
That cleared my head. Could I call her cowardly just because I happened to know what the landscape looked like over the horizon?
I took a bath towel from the rack over the toilet and handed it to her. Strip off, then dry off, I said.
Go out, then. Give me some privacy.
I will if you tell me youre awake.
Im awake. She looked at me with churlish resentment andmaybethe tiniest glint of humor. You certainly know how to make an entrance, George.
I turned to the medicine cabinet.
There arent any more, she said. What isnt in me is in the commode.
Having been married to Christy for four years, I looked anyway. Then I flushed the toilet. With that business taken care of, I slipped past her to the bathroom door. Ill give you three minutes, I said.
9
The return address on the manila envelope was John Clayton, 79 East Oglethorpe Avenue, Savannah, Georgia. You certainly couldnt accuse the bastard of flying under false colors, or going the anonymous route. The postmark was August twenty-eighth, so it had probably been waiting here for her when she got back from Reno. Shed had nearly two months to brood over the contents. Had she sounded sad and depressed when Id talked to her on the night of September sixth? Well, no wonder, given the photographs her ex had so thoughtfully sent her.
Were all in danger, shed said the last time I spoke to her on the phone. Johnnys right about that.
The pictures were of Japanese men, women, and children. Victims of the atomic bomb-blasts at Hiroshima, Nagasaki, or both. Some were blind. Many were bald. Most were suffering from radiation burns. A few, like the faceless woman, had been charbroiled. One picture showed a quartet of black statues in cringing postures. Four people had been standing in front of a wall when the bomb went off. The people had been vaporized, and most of the wall had been vaporized, too. The only parts that remained were the parts that had been shielded by those standing in front of it. The shapes were black because they were coated in charred flesh.
On the back of each picture, he had written the same message in his clear, neat hand: Coming soon to America. Statistical analysis does not lie.
Nice, arent they?
Her voice was flat and lifeless. She was standing in the doorway, bundled into the towel. Her hair fell to her bare shoulders in damp ringlets.
How much did you have to drink, Sadie?
Only a couple of shots when the pills wouldnt work. I think I tried to tell you that when you were shaking and slapping me.
If you expect me to apologize, youll wait a long time. Barbiturates and booze are a bad combination.
It doesnt matter, she said. Ive been slapped before.
That made me think of Marina, and I winced. It wasnt the same, but slapping is slapping. And I had been angry as well as scared.
She went to the chair in the corner, sat down, and pulled the towel tighter around her. She looked like a sulky child. My friend Roger Beaton called. Did I tell you that?
Yes.
My good friend Roger. Her eyes dared me to make something of it. I didnt. Ultimately, it was her life. I just wanted to make sure she had a life.
All right, your good friend Roger.
He told me to be sure and watch the Irish assholes speech tonight. Thats what he called him. Then he asked me how far Jodie was from Dallas. When I told him he said, That should be far enough, depending on which way the winds blowing. Hes getting out of Washington himself, lots of people are, but I dont think it will do them any good. You cant outrun a nuclear war. She began to cry then, harsh and wrenching sobs that shook her whole body. Those idiots are going to destroy a beautiful world! Theyre going to kill children! I hate them! I hate them all! Kennedy, Khrushchev, Castro, I hope they all rot in hell!
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She covered her face with her hands. I knelt like some old-fashioned gentleman preparing to propose and embraced her. She put her arms around my neck and clung to me in what was almost a drowners grip. Her body was still cold from the shower, but the cheek she laid against my arm was feverish.
In that moment I hated them all, too, John Clayton most of all for planting this seed in a young woman who was insecure and psychologically vulnerable. He had planted it, watered it, weeded it, and watched it grow.
And was Sadie the only one in terror tonight, the only one who had turned to the pills and the booze? How hard and fast were they drinking in the Ivy Room right now? Id made the stupid assumption that people were going to approach the Cuban Missile Crisis much like any other temporary international dust-up, because by the time I went to college, it was just another intersection of names and dates to memorize for the next prelim. Thats how things look from the future. To people in the valley (the dark valley) of the present, they look different.
The pictures were here when I got back from Reno. She looked at me with her bloodshot, haunted eyes. I wanted to throw them away, but I couldnt. I kept looking at them.
Its what the bastard wanted. Thats why he sent them.
She didnt seem to hear. Statistical analysis is his hobby. He says that someday, when the computers are good enough, it will be the most important science, because statistical analysis is never wrong.
Not true. In my minds eye I saw George de Mohrenschildt, the charmer who was Lees only friend. Theres always a window of uncertainty.
I guess the day of Johnnys super-computers will never come, she said. The people leftif there are anywill be living in caves. And the sky no more blue. Nuclear darkness, thats what Johnny calls it.
Hes full of shit, Sadie. Your pal Roger, too.
She shook her head. Her bloodshot eyes regarded me sadly. Johnny knew the Russians were going to launch a space satellite. We were just out of college then. He told me in the summer, and sure enough, they put Sputnik up in October. Next theyll send a dog or a monkey, Johnny said. After that theyll send a man. Then theyll send two men and a bomb.
And did they do that? Did they, Sadie?
They sent the dog, and they sent the man. The dogs name was Laika, remember? It died up there. Poor doggy. They wont have to send up the two men and the bomb, will they? Theyll use their missiles. And well use ours. All over a shitpot island where they make cigars.
Do you know what the magicians say?
The? What are you talking about?
They say you can fool a scientist, but you can never fool another magician. Your ex may teach science, but hes sure no magician. The Russians, on the other hand, are.
Youre not making sense. Johnny says the Russians have to fight, and soon, because now they have missile superiority, but they wont for long. Thats why they wont back down in Cuba. Its a pretext.
Johnnys seen too much newsreel footage of missiles being trundled through Red Square on Mayday. What he doesnt knowand what Senator Kuchel doesnt know, either, probablyis that over half of those missiles dont have engines in them.
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You dont you cant
He doesnt know how many of their ICBMs blow up on their launch pads in Siberia because their rocketry guys are incompetent. He doesnt know that over half the missiles our U-2 planes have photographed are actually painted trees with cardboard fins. Its sleight of hand, Sadie. It fools scientists like Johnny and politicians like Senator Kuchel, but it would never fool another magician.
Thats its not She fell silent for a moment, biting at her lips. Then she said, How could you know stuff like that?
I cant tell you.
Then I cant believe you. Johnny said Kennedy was going to be the nominee of the Democratic party, even though everybody else thought it was going to be Humphrey on account of Kennedy being a Catholic. He analyzed the states with primaries, ran the numbers, and he was right. He said Johnson would be Kennedys running mate because Johnson was the only Southerner who would be acceptable north of the Mason-Dixon line. He was right about that, too. Kennedy got in, and now hes going to kill us all. Statistical analysis doesnt lie.
I took a deep breath. Sadie, I want you to listen to me. Very carefully. Are you awake enough to do that?
For a moment there was nothing. Then I felt her nod against my upper arm.
Its now early Tuesday morning. This standoff is going to go on for another three days. Or maybe its four, I cant remember.
What do you mean, you cant remember?
I mean theres nothing about this in Als notes, and my only college class in American History was almost twenty years ago. Its amazing I can remember as much as I do.
Were going to blockade Cuba, but the only Russian ship well stop wont have anything in it but food and trade goods. The Russians are going to bluster, but by Thursday or Friday theyre going to be scared to death and looking for a way out. One of the big Russian diplomats will initiate a backchannel meeting with some TV guy. And seemingly from nowhere, the way crossword puzzle answers sometimes come to me, I remembered the name. Or almost remembered it. His name is John Scolari, or something like that
Scali? Are you talking about John Scali, on the ABC News?
Yeah, thats him. This is going to happen Friday or Saturday, while the rest of the worldincluding your ex and your pal from Yaleis just waiting for the word to stick their heads between their legs and kiss their asses goodbye.
She heartened me by giggling.
This Russian will more or less say Here I did a pretty good Russian accent. I had learned it listening to Lees wife. Also from Boris and Natasha on Rocky and Bullwinkle. Get vurd to your president that ve vunt vay to back out of this vith honor. You agree take your nuclear missiles out of Turkey. You promise never to invade Kooba. Ve say okay and dismantle missiles in Kooba. And that, Sadie, is exactly whats going to happen.
She wasnt giggling now. She was staring at me with huge saucer eyes. Youre making this up to make me feel better.
I said nothing.
Youre not, she whispered. You really believe it.
Wrong, I said. I know it. Big difference.
George nobody knows the future.
John Clayton claims to know, and you believe him. Roger from Yale claims to know, and you believe him, too.
Youre jealous of him, arent you?
Youre goddam right.
I never slept with him. I never even wanted to. Solemnly, she added: I could never sleep with a man who wears that much cologne.
Good to know. Im still jealous.
Should I ask questions about how you
No. I wont answer them. I probably shouldnt have told her as much as I had, but I couldnt stop myself. And in truth, I would do it again. But I will tell you one other thing, and this you can check yourself in a couple of days. Adlai Stevenson and the Russian representative to the UN are going to face off in the General Assembly. Stevensons going to exhibit huge photos of the missile bases the Russians are building in Cuba, and ask the Russian guy to explain what the Russians said wasnt there. The Russian guy is going to say something like, You must vait, I cannot respond viddout full translation. And Stevenson, who knows the guy can speak perfect English, is going to say something thatll wind up in the history books along with dont fire until you see the whites of their eyes. Hes going to tell the Russian guy he can wait until hell freezes over.
She looked at me doubtfully, turned to the night table, saw the charred pack of Winstons sitting on top of a hill of crushed butts, and said: I think Im out of cigarettes.
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You should be okay until morning, I said dryly. It looks to me like you front-loaded about a weeks supply.
George? Her voice was very small, very timid. Will you stay with me tonight?
My cars parked in your
If one of the neighborhood neb-noses says something, Ill tell them you came to see me after the presidents speech and it wouldnt start.
Considering how the Sunliner was running these days, that was plausible. Does your sudden concern for propriety mean youve stopped worrying about nuclear Armageddon?
I dont know. I only know I dont want to be alone. Ill even make love with you if that will get you to stay, but I dont think it would be much good for either of us. My head aches so badly.
You dont have to make love to me, hon. Its not a business deal.
I didnt mean
Hush. Ill get the aspirin.
And look on top of the medicine cabinet, would you? Sometimes I leave a pack of cigarettes there.
She had, but by the time shed taken three puffs of the one I lit for her, she was wall-eyed and dozing. I took it from between her fingers and mashed it out on the lower slope of Mount Cancer. Then I took her in my arms and laid back on the pillows. We fell asleep that way.
10
When I woke to the first long light of dawn, the fly of my slacks was unzipped and a skillful hand was exploring inside my underwear. I turned to her. She was looking at me calmly. The world is still here, George. And so are we. Come on. But be gentle. My head still aches.
I was gentle, and I made it last. We made it last. At the end, she lifted her hips and dug into my shoulder blades. It was her oh dear, oh my God, oh sugar grip.
Anything. She was whispering, her breath in my ear making me shiver as I came. You can be anything, do anything, just say youll stay. And that you still love me.
Sadie I never stopped.
11
We had breakfast in her kitchen before I went back to Dallas. I told her it really was Dallas now, and although I didnt have a phone yet, I would give her the number as soon as I had one.
She nodded and picked at her eggs. I meant what I said. I wont ask any more questions about your business.
Thats best. Dont ask, dont tell.
Huh?
Never mind.
Just tell me again that youre up to good rather than no good.
Yes, I said. Im one of the good guys.
Will you be able to tell me someday?
I hope so, I said. Sadie, those pictures he sent
I tore them up this morning. I dont want to talk about them.
We dont have to. But I need you to tell me thats all the contact youve had with him. That he hasnt been around.
He hasnt been. And the postmark on the envelope was Savannah.
Id noticed that. But Id also noticed the postmark was almost two months old.
Hes not big on personal confrontation. Hes brave enough in his mind, but I think hes a physical coward.
That struck me as a good assessment; sending the pictures was textbook passive-aggressive behavior. Still, she had been sure Clayton wouldnt find out where she was now living and teaching, and shed been wrong about that. The behavior of mentally unstable people is hard to predict, honey. If you saw him, youd call the police, right?
Yes, George. With a touch of her old impatience. I need to ask you one question, then we wont talk about this anymore until youre ready. If you ever are.
Okay. I tried to prepare an answer to the question I was sure would be coming: Are you from the future, George?
Its going to sound crazy.
Its been a crazy night. Go ahead.
Are you She laughed, then started to gather the plates. She went to the sink with them, and with her back turned, she asked: Are you human? Like, from planet Earth?
I went to her, reached around to cup her breasts, and kissed the back of her neck. Totally human.
She turned. Her eyes were grave. Can I ask another?
I sighed. Shoot.
Ive got at least forty minutes before I have to dress for school. Do you happen to have another condom? I think Ive discovered the cure for headaches.
CHAPTER 20
1
So in the end it only took the threat of nuclear war to bring us back togetherhow romantic is that?
Okay, maybe not.
Deke Simmons, the sort of man who took an extra hankie to sad movies, approved heartily. Ellie Dockerty did not. Here is a strange thing Ive noticed: women are better at keeping secrets, but men are more comfortable with them. A week or so after the Cuban Missile Crisis ended, Ellie called Sadie into her office and shut the doornot a good sign. She was typically blunt, asking Sadie if she knew any more about me than she had before.
No, Sadie said.
But youve begun again.
Yes.
Do you even know where he lives?
No, but I have a telephone number.
Ellie rolled her eyes, and who could blame her. Has he told you anything at all about his past? Whether hes been married before? Because I believe that he has been.
Sadie stayed silent.
Has he happened to mention if hes left a dropped calf or two behind somewhere? Because sometimes men do that, and a man whos done it once will not hesitate to
Miz Ellie, may I go back to the library now? Ive left a student in charge, and while Helens very responsible, I dont like to leave them too
Go, go. Ellie flapped a hand at the door.
I thought you liked George, Sadie said as she got up.
I do, Ellie repliedin a tone, Sadie told me later, that said I did. Id like him even betterand like him for you betterif I knew what his real name was, and what hes up to.
Dont ask, dont tell, Sadie said as she went to the door.
Whats that supposed to mean?
That I love him. That he saved my life. That all I have to give him in return is my trust, and I intend to give it.
Miz Ellie was one of those women accustomed to getting the last word in most situations, but she didnt get it that time.
2
We fell into a pattern that fall and winter. I would drive down to Jodie on Friday afternoons. Sometimes on the way, I would buy flowers at the florist in Round Hill. Sometimes Id get my hair cut at the Jodie Barber Shop, which was a great place to catch up on all the local chatter. Also, Id gotten used to having it short. I could remember wearing it so long it flopped in my eyes, but not why Id put up with the annoyance. Getting used to Jockey shorts over boxers was harder, but after awhile my balls no longer claimed to be strangling.
Wed usually eat at Als Diner on those evenings, then go to the football game. And when the football season ended, there was basketball. Sometimes Deke joined us, decked out in his school sweater with Brian the Fightin Denton Lion on the front.
Miz Ellie, never.
Her disapproval did not stop us from going to the Candlewood Bungalows after the Friday games. I usually stayed there alone on Saturday nights, and on Sundays Id join Sadie for services at Jodies First Methodist Church. We shared a hymnal and sang many verses of Bringing in the Sheaves. Sowing in the morning, sowing seeds of kindness the melody and those well-meant sentiments still linger in my head.
After church wed have the noon meal at her place, and after that Id drive back to Dallas. Every time I made that drive, it seemed longer and I liked it less. Finally, on a chilly day in mid-December, my Ford threw a rod, as if expressing its own opinion that we were driving in the wrong direction. I wanted to get it fixedthat Sunliner convertible was the only car I ever truly lovedbut the guy at Kileen Auto Repair told me it would take a whole new engine, and he just didnt know where he could lay his paws on one.
I dug into my still-sturdy (well relatively sturdy) cash reserve and bought a 1959 Chevy, the kind with the bodacious gull-wing tailfins. It was a good car, and Sadie said she absolutely adored it, but for me it was never quite the same.
We spent Christmas night together at the Candlewood. I put a sprig of holly on the dresser and gave her a cardigan. She gave me a pair of loafers that are on my feet now. Some things are meant to keep.
We had dinner at her house on Boxing Day, and while I was setting the table, Dekes Ranch Wagon pulled into the driveway. That surprised me, because Sadie had said nothing about company. I was more surprised to see Miz Ellie on the passenger side. The way she stood with her arms folded, looking at my new car, told me I wasnt the only one whod been kept in the dark about the guest list. Butcredit where credit is dueshe greeted me with a fair imitation of warmth and kissed me on the cheek. She was wearing a knitted ski cap that made her look like an elderly child, and offered me a tight smile of thanks when I whisked it off her head.
I didnt get the memo, either, I said.
Deke pumped my hand. Merry Christmas, George. Glad to see you. Gosh, something smells good.
He wandered off to the kitchen. A few moments later I heard Sadie laugh and say, Get your fingers out of that, Deke, didnt your mama raise you right?
Ellie was slowly undoing the keg buttons of her coat, never taking her eyes from my face. Is it wise, George? she asked. What you and Sadie are doingis it wise?
Before I could answer, Sadie swept in with the turkey shed been fussing over ever since wed gotten back from the Candlewood Bungalows. We sat down and linked hands. Dear Lord, please bless this food to our bodies, Sadie said, and please bless our fellowship, one with the other, to our minds and our spirits.
I started to let go, but she was still gripping my hand with her left and Ellies with her right. And please bless George and Ellie with friendship. Help George remember her kindness, and help Ellie to remember that without George, there would be a girl from this town with a terribly scarred face. I love them both, and its sad to see mistrust in their eyes. For Jesuss sake, amen.
