1. If you cant find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, its an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can many fine tools are, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If its electronic, get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the on switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you dont succees, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what youve done is stupid, but it works, then it isnt stupid.
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A Messy Kitchen Is a Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious!
No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Imprssion. He Just Cleaned The Whole House.
If we are what we eat, then Im easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life.
Help Keep the Kitchen Clean Eat Out.
Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.
Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives.
My next house will have no kitchen just vending machines.
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DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using ones OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know youre interested: Ive been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.
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3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10.00 PM. Others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer, it is the mans responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETT
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cant hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if youre certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
God and Moses
A Conversation Between Moses and God
(its a long one but cure)
Excuse me, sir
Is that you again, Moses?
Im afraid it is, sir.
What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?
How did you guess?
I dont have to guess, Moses. Remember?
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Tell me what you want, Moses.
But you already know. Remember?
Moses!
Sorry, sir.
Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!
Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me.
You mean the commandments, Moses?
Thats it. I was wondering if they were important.
What do you mean were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldnt have sent them to you.
Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that.
What do you mean you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didnt save them, Moses?
No, sir. I forgot.
Well, My Son always saves, Moses.
Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though.
And did you hear back from any of them?
You already know I did.
What about the one guy who said he never uses shalt not. Can he change the words a little bit?
Yes, Moses. As long as he doesnt change the meaning.
And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?
Moses, Ill act like I didnt hear that.
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I think that means, no. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?
I think that is spamming, Moses.
Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I dont even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.
And what he did say?
You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You dont think he might have sent me one of those plagues and thats the reason I lost those ten things, do you?
Theyre called viruses, Moses.
Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them.
Well do it the new way, Moses.
I was afraid you would say that, sir.
Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?
You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer.
Its a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?
No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?
No, Moses.
One other thing. Why didnt you name them frogs instead of mice, because didnt you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?
I didnt name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to.
Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, hah, sir?
I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasnt it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?
Say good night, Moses.
Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back.
Which ones are they, Moses?
Lets see. Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbors wife.
Turn the computer off, Moses. Im sending you another set of some tablets. How does Same Day Air sound?
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Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success, he cackled. I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
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The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organization has many Americans worried. Here are the Top 30 Signs Youve Joined a Cheap HMO
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an unauthorized experimental procedure,
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of War and Peace,
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. Take two leeches and call me in the morning,
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrows doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15. Pre-natal vitamin prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctors office include, take a left when you enter the trailer park,
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
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19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is an apple a day.
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only group gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say Walk if off, you sissy.
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
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Home on the Web
(to the tune of Home on the Range)
(come on try it its fun)
VERSE:
Oh give me a site
Where the links all work right
One that doesnt take too long to load
Where the text can be seen
On my 13-inch screen
One that offers a no-Java mode.
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
On my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me
Im still on Netscape 3
With a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE:
Though your video files
Give your pages some style
I cant read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
Crash my system, Ive found,
So please put in some alt tags for me!
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
On my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me
Im still on Netscape 3
With a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE:
Please dont ask me to chat
With your favorite cat;
I dont have an IRC code.
And dont ask me to buy
Games for Win 95
My PC is way too darn old!
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
On my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me
Im still on Netscape 3
With a 14.4-speed modem!
Now wasnt that fun!!!
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Deep Thoughts
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You cant tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get but dont bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you havent met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
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One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead car, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
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Fuzzy Logic
OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: Normally accidents like this shouldnt happen, reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured. This sort of thing can happen when people rely too much on technology, the police spokesman said. (Reuters) Leading to a required label, Warning: User still must watch out window when driving.
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The Flag
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class on encyclopedia page picturing several national flags.
She pointed to the America flag and asked, What flag is this?
A little girl called out, Thats the flag of our country.
Very good, the teacher said. And what is the name of our country?
Tis of thee, the girl said confidently.
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A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room where, much to the grooms annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didnt quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldnt close a large suitcase. The groom said, Darling, you get on top and Ill try.
That didnt work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, Sweetheart, you get on top and Ill try. Still no success.
Then he said, Look. Lets both get on top and try.
At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, Zoo or no zoo. This I gotta see!!
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The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another:
The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
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A spiritualist whod recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that shed just received a message from her dead husband asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
The only thing is, she mused, that I dont know where to send them.
Why not? asked her friend.
Well, he didnt actually say that he was in Heaven but I cant imagine hed be in Hell.
Hm, responded the friend. Well, maybe I shouldnt bring this up, but he didnt mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?
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A lady writes:
We have women in the military, but they dont put us in the front lines. They dont know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.
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Theres this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesnt know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooded leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads; Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!
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Lots of things go on during spring break as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a judge. I plead not guilty, Your Honor. I only went there to get relieved, he testified.
Well, Im inclined to accept your explanation, said the judge. I guess some allowances must be made for emergencies.
Thats true to a point, Your Honor, said the arresting officer. But what about this young lady here who relieved him?
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The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
Mary had a little lamb,
Whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from the lamb was sure to go to the lamb went with her.
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose, Johnny raised his hand and said,
Mary had a little pig
An ornery little run.
He stuck his nose in Marys Clothes
And smelled her little
He stopped, turned to the teacher and asked, Do you want poetry or prose?
Prose! the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, Asshole.
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This is a true story from an Amoco Christmas party in Australia last year.
At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.
When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his lottery Ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
The waitress came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the nights Lotto numbers. She proceeded to read the numbers (the bosss numbers) out loud before setting the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.
Then he downed his drink, stood up on his chair, and shouted out to the whole room, I just want to let you all know something. Ive been having an affair with my secretary for months.
I dont like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, cause Ive just won loads of money, and Im leaving.
He walked out of the party and was never seen again.
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Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, Ill bet you were born in Newark, Ohio.
Why, thats right! said the second man in surprise.
And Ill bet you were circumcised when you were three days old.
Right again. But howd you
And Ill bet it was done by old Doc Steadman.
Well, yes, but how did you know? asked the second man in amazement.
Well, old Doc always cut them at a 60-degree angle, explained the first guy, and youre pissing on my shoe.
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car. The nurse asks him, Charlie, what are you doing?
Charlie replied, Driving to Chicago! The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how are you doing?
Charlie says, I just got into Chicago.
Great, replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.Shocked, she asks, Bob, what are you doing?!
Bob says, Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago!
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The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. Please, you have to come right over, pleaded the distraught young mother. My child has swallowed a contraceptive.
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
You dont have to come over after all, the woman said with a sigh of relief: My husband just found another one.
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said, Oh, am I driving?
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Judi went to Sherrys place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.
Sherry asked, Well, what happened when you got there?
Judi said, After sex the S.O.B. called me a slut!
What did you do then? Sherry asked, somewhat shocked.
Judi said I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and take his eight friends with him!
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The Lifesaver
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. Hey bartender said the Engineer, Ill have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there. The bartender responded, Im sorry sir but that guys a commie and we dont serve his kind around here.
Well, youd better because if it werent for that guy, I wouldnt be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you dont believe me, look at the top of his head and youll see that its flat from holding the roof up. The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldnt help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about? the Engineer responded: Oh thats where we put the jack.
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A Quick Round
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, lets say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day. Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
Help me find my ball, you look over there, he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Ive found my ball! he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, After all the years weve been friends, youd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?
What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!
And a liar, too!!! Sid says with amazement. Ill have you know Ive been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!
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Genie in the lamp
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and Im getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish.
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there? The genie laughed and replied, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete How much steel!!!! No think of another wish.
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I dont care and that Im insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment. To know why they are crying. To know what they want when they say nothing
The gene replies You want that bridge two lanes or four?
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WHY ITS GREAT TO BE A GUY
-When clicking through the channels you dont have to stop on every shot of someone crying
-You dont have to lug a bag of necessary items with you everywhere you go
-You can go to the bathroom alone
-Your last name stays put
-You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
-You can kill your own food
- Chocolate is just another snack
-You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
-You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking He must be mad at me
-One mood, all the time
-You dont give a flip if someone doesnt notice your new haircut
-You never have to worry about others feelings
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THE GREAT MEMORY DEBATE
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.
Second guy says, I can remember my first day at Nursery School!
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, Hell, thats nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch Im going to jump off this building.
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time Im going to jump off, too.
The redneck opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time Im jumping too.
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral the Irishmans wife is weeping. She says, If Id known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexicans wife also weeps and says, I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didnt realize he hated burritos so much.
Everyone turned and stared at the rednecks wife. Hey, dont look at me she said. He makes his own lunch.
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THE CESSNA
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?
The kid says, Yeah.
The cop says, Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, By the way, thats a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?
Humoring the kid, the cop says, Yeah, he sure did.
The kid says, Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top.
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The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
Once local man has put on his best suit and hes sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesnt smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.
He cant believe it, then it hits him. The pope wont talk to him, hes concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!
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If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer!
If you messed up your life, you could press Ctrl, Alt, Delete and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on run! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit any key to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
Help with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldnt be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on SEND NOW and a Pizza would be on its way to YOU
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The Traveler
By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken.
Youve got to have a room somewhere, he pleaded.
Or just a bed I dont care where.
Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.
No problem, the tired traveler assured him. Ill take it.
The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Howd you sleep? asked the manager.
Never better.
The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?
Nope, I shut him up in no time said Willard.
Howd you manage that? asked the manager.
He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, Willard explained. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, cutie, and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a hawk.
_______________________
The Photographer
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
It will be waiting for you at the airport! he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, Lets go! Lets go! The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
Fly over the north side of the fire, said the photographer, and make three or four low level passes.
Why? asked the pilot.
Because I am going to take pictures! Im a photographer, and photographers take pictures! said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, You mean youre not the instructor?
_______________________
Pearly Gates
Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn.
Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clock jumps 15 minutes ahead of time.
When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, Whats with all the clocks?
St. Peter replies, Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth.
Hilary asks, Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?
Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultery, answers St. Peter.
Which one is my husbands clock? inquires Hillary.
God has that one in his office, answers St. Peter. He uses it as a fan.
_____________________
Unbreakable
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner UNBREAKABLE. However, it has no price marked.
Pardon me, he says to the shopkeeper, but what is the price on this piece marked unbreakable?
One hundred thousand dollars, replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
Like the sign says, its unbreakable!
To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable.
The owner again assured him it was so.
The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces hed seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the UNBREAKABLE banner.
Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!
No, its one hundred thousand dollars its unbreakable, now, too, the storekeeper replied.
How can you be so sure? he demands.
Because the schmuck who pays 100 bills for that thing is going to take as much care with it as you did with yours!
___________________
Hit or Miss
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, Whats taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!
The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the club-house. I want to make this a perfect shot.
Forget it, man-you dont stand a chance of hitting her from here!
__________________
Lemons
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss, said the foreman, have you any actual experience in picking lemons?
Well, as a matter of fact, yes! she replied.
Ive been divorced three times.
__________________________________
Email Mixup
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, [email protected].
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to [email protected], a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preachers wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!
_____________________________
Brain Transplant
The patients family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. Things dont look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.
Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relvatives.
For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked, Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?
A standard pricing practice, said the head of the team.
Womens brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.
______________________________
Final Exam
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. I want to say that its been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know youve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a B for the course.
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, Any one else? This is your last chance. One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining.
Im glad to see you believe in yourself, he said. You all have As.
___________________________
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
What are you doing? his mother asked.
You cant eat them if the seal is broken the boy explained, Im looking for the seal.
_________________________
Modem Times Maxims for the Internet Age
1. Ome is where you ang your@
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You cant teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Dont put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Dont byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. The http://www.joker.org is on you.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he wont bother you for weeks.
__________________________
On one BAD day,
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992. Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protectors were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didnt pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
_____________________________
Dealing with AT&T
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Line?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Line?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We arent selling phones today Mr. Line.
Me: Well whatever it is, Im really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something. I dont think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying, Im really not interested, but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Line we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a rate of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, thats 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir thats right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: Thats right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! Thats amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: Thats quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, its amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said youd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. Im just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didnt mean wed be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didnt you say youd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that youll give me 10 cents a minute that Ill give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? Ive read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Dont use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I dont think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Line. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while Im waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Line?
Me: Yeah?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth &Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, Ill transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation.
Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Line, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and Im an only child and Id really like to have a little brother
AT&T: (click)
___________________________
Princess Ryubet
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. Kiss me and I will turn into a princess. The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, Hey! Didnt you hear me? Im a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours. The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. I dont get it. Why wont you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.
The guy says, Look, Im a computer geek. I dont have time for girls.
But a talking frog is cool!
____________________________
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.
Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.
Exasperated, the Pope answered, Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.
_____________________________
Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.
___________________________
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, Oh, Sherry by all means. To me its the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and Im lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though Im about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and Im transported into another world.
On the other hand, Port makes me fart.
_______________________
True story:
Tech Support: What does the screen say now.
Person: It says, Hit ENTER when ready.
Tech Support: Well?
Person: How do I know when its ready?
_______________________
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking though the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and an extra thousand for the story behind it.
At that price, you can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the bronze rat.
The transaction complete, the tourist leave the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the waters edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. Ah, sir, youve come back for the story, says the owner.
No, says the tourist, I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer
_________________________
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
_________________________
Facts
The phrase rule of thumb is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldnt beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose vehicle, GP
The first toilet ever seen on television was on Leave It To Beaver.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a years supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The worlds termites outweigh the worlds humans 10 to1.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
BE CAREFUL!
______________________
Lumberjack
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the skinny man.
Okay, see that giant redwood over there? said the lumberjack. Take your axe and go cut it down.
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjacks door. I cut the tree down, said the man.
The lumberjack couldnt believe his eyes and said, Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?
In the Sahara Forest, replied the puny man.
You mean the Sahara Desert, said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, Oh sure, thats what they call it now!
__________________
SPEAK
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 hes willing to bet anyone who says he cant. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, Whats the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?
The dog answers ROOF. The bartender says, Who are you kidding? Im not paying.
The dogs owner says, How about double or nothing and Ill ask him something else. The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?
The dog answers with a muffled RUTH. With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, DiMaggio?
_____________________
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter, said one.
No! He agreed to marry MY daughter, said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
Bring me my biggest sword, said Solomon, and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.
Sounds good to me, said the first lady.
But the other woman said, Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other womans daughter marry him.
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. The attorney must marry the first ladys daughter, he proclaimed.
But she was willing to hew him in two! exclaimed the kings court.
Indeed, said wise King Solomon. That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.
_______________________
After hearing that one of patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuers file and called him into his office.
Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that youre ready to go home. Im only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.
