Quot;No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.
However (), my son will be dropping in after a bit ( ). Perhaps ( ) he will join you."
The first man settled back in his chair ( ; to settle , ) and said, "Your only son, I presume? ( , )"
A man was in a bar. Hoping to strike up a conversation with a distinguished looking fellow sitting nearby, he said, "May I buy you a drink?"
"No," said the man coolly, "Don't drink. Tried it once and I didn't like it."
"Would you like a cigar?"
"No. Don't smoke. Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it."
"Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy?"
quot;No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.
However, my son will be dropping in after a bit. Perhaps he will join you."
The first man settled back in his chair and said, "Your only son, I presume?"
May I buy you a drink?
I tried it once and I didn't like it.
Would you like a cigar?
An industrial expert ( // ) went around asking ( , ) different people ( ), "What do you like best about your job? ( )"
"The good pay ( )," one factory worker replied ( ).
"What do you like least about your job? ( )" asked the expert ( ).
"The good pay," he said again ().
The expert was surprised ( ). "What do you mean? ( ) You like it the best and you like it the least? ( )"
"Well, I like it because it pays me well (, , : ), so that's the good part ( = , ). But if it didn't pay so well ( ), I'd quit! ( ; to quit , ; , ) That would be better! ( )"
An industrial expert went around asking different people, "What do you like best about your job?"
"The good pay," one factory worker replied.
"What do you like least about your job?" asked the expert.
"The good pay," he said again.
The expert was surprised. "What do you mean? You like it the best and you like it the least?"
"Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part. But if it didn't pay so well, I'd quit! That would be better!"
What do you like best about your job?
What do you mean?
So that's the good part.
That would be better!
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A newspaper was running a competition ( ) to discover ( : ) the most high principled ( ), sober (: ), well-behaved (: to behave well ) citizen ( ['sıtızn]). Among the entries came one which read ( /to come-came-come/, : /to read [ri:d]-read [red]-read [red]/):
"I don't smoke ( ), touch intoxicants ( ; to touch , ) or gamble ( ). I am faithful to my wife ( ) and never look at another woman ( ). I am hard working ( ), quiet () and obedient (; obedient [∂`bi:dj∂nt]). I never go to the movies or the theater ( ), and I go to bed early ( : ) every night ( ) and rise with the dawn ( ). I attend chapel regularly every Sunday ( ) without fail (: = ; to fail ; , ; , ).
"I've been like this for the past three years ( : ). But just wait until next spring ( ), when they let me out of here! ( )"
A newspaper was running a competition to discover the most high principled, sober, well-behaved citizen. Among the entries came one which read:
"I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble. I am faithful to my wife and never look at another woman. I am hard working, quiet and obedient. I never go to the movies or the theater, and I go to bed early every night and rise with the dawn. I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.
"I've been like this for the past three years. But just wait until next spring, when they let me out of here!"
I never go to the movies.
Arriving for a visit ( ), the woman asked her small granddaughter ( ), "Megan, how do you like your new baby brother? (, -)"
"Oh, he's all right ( : )," the child shrugged ( //). "But there were a lot of things we needed worse ( , ; worse )."
Arriving for a visit, the woman asked her small granddaughter, "Megan, how do you like your new baby brother?"
"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."
Oh, he's all right.
But there were a lot of things we needed worse.
"Hello there (ó: )", said the vacuum cleaner salesman ( ; to clean ; clean ) to the little girl ( ) who answered the door ( ; to answer ). "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? ( ) Watch this! ( )" Pushing his way into the house ( : to push ; way ), the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint ( , ; to proceed , ; dump , ; to dump , / /; pile , ; lint ) and coffee grounds onto the shag carpet ( ).
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"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up ( )," he boasted () with a big smile ( ), " why (, ) I'll eat it right up ( )."
At this, the little girl turned and left the room ( /to leave-left-left , /).
"Where you going, kid? ( , )" called the salesman ( ). "To find your mom? ( , )"
"Nope (, -)," answered () the little girl from the doorway ( = ), "I'm getting a plate and a spoon... ( , ) 'cause we don't have any electricity! ( / because/ )"
"Hello there," said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl who answered the door. "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch this!" Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.
"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up," he boasted with a big smile, "why I'll eat it right up."
At this, the little girl turned and left the room.
"Where you going, kid?" called the salesman. "To find your mom?"
"Nope," answered the little girl from the doorway, "I'm getting a plate and a spoon... 'cause we don't have any electricity!"
Watch this!
I'm getting a plate and a spoon.
A grade school teacher ( ) was asking students ( ) what their parents did for a living ( = ). "Tim, you be first (, = )," she said. "What does your mother do all day? ( = )"
Tim stood up and proudly said ( /to stand-stood-stood/), "She's a doctor ( )."
"That's wonderful ( ). How about you, Amie? ( , )"
Amie shyly () stood up, scuffed her feet ( ) and said, "My father is a mailman ( )."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father ( ), Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced (; announce [∂`nauns]), "My daddy plays piano ( ) in a whorehouse ( ; whore )."
The teacher was aghast (; aghast , [∂`ga:st]) and promptly (, ) changed the subject to geography ( ). Later that day ( ) she went to Billy's house and rang the bell ( /to ring-rang-rung/).
Billy's father answered the door ( ; to answer ). The teacher explained (, ) what his son had said ( ) and demanded an explanation ( ).
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney ( ). How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? ( : //)"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
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Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
You be first!
How about you?
Answer the door, please!
The saleswoman (; to sale ) watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror (, ).
"I adore this dress! ( = )" bubbled the girl ( // , ; bubble ; to bubble , ; ). "It's absolutely perfect! ( ) I'll take it! ( )"
Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully ( , ), "But in case my mother likes it ( , ), can I bring it back? ( )"
The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.
"I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl. "It's absolutely perfect! I'll take it!"
Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother likes it, can I bring it back?"
I adore this dress!
I'll take it!
A guy from Georgia ( ) enrolled at Harvard ( : to enroll , , / / [ın`r∂ul]; roll , ; , ) and on his first day ( ) he was walking across the campus ( ) and asked an upperclassman ( ), drawling heavily ( ), "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at? ( , / at /)"
The upperclassman responded (), "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions ( )."
The Georgian then replied, "Well then ( ), could you tell me ( ) where the library is at, asshole? (: asshole : ass + hole )"
A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day he was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"
The upperclassman responded, "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions."
The Georgian then replied, "Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
The youngest son ( ) of a great Indian chief ( ) went to his father and asked ( ), "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children? ( )"
The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born ( ), the first sight I saw (, : , /to see-saw-seen/) after the moment of his birth ( ) was a bear running through the woods ( , ); so I named him running-bear ( ). The morning your sister was born ( , ), the first sight I saw was a beautiful star ( ), so I named her morning-star ( ). But why do you ask me such a question ( ), two-dogs-fucking? (--)"
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The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked, "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children?"
The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-fucking?"
But why do you ask me such a question?
A black family went to the zoo ( ) and stopped in front of the cage with the elephant ( ). The young son ( ) asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat (= that) elephant? (, , )"
"That's his tail, son ( , )."
"No, mama, dat other thing! ( )"
"Oh, that's his trunk, son (, , )."
"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs! ( )"
"Uh, that's nothin' (= nothing - , )," replies the mother.
Undaunted ( ; to daunt , ; undaunted ), the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"
"That's his tail, son."
"No, daddy, dat other thing!"
"That's his trunk, son."
"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"
"Oh, that's his penis, son."
"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothing! ( , , , )"
"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman! ( )"
A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant?"
"That's his tail, son."
"No, mama, dat other thing!"
"Oh, that's his trunk, son."
"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs!"
"Uh, that's nothin'," replies the mother.
Undaunted, the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"
"That's his tail, son."
"No, daddy, dat other thing!"
"That's his trunk, son."
"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"
"Oh, that's his penis, son."
"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'!"
"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman!"
I spoiled that woman!
A woman wanted a divorce ( ). She went to the courthouse ( ; court / /; ) and appeared before the judge ( : ).
The judge reviewed her petition and asked ( ), "Do you have grounds? ( )"
The woman looked at him quizzically (, ; to quiz / ./) and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor ( ), we do have about an acre and a half ( - : / ground , : 1) , 2) /)."
"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge? ( , ; to have a grudge against somebody -)"
The bewildered ( ) woman replied, "No, we just have a carport (, / grudge () garage () /)."
The judge was becoming frustrated ( ). "You're not getting the point ( //: , )," he said. "Does he beat you up? ( , ; to beat ; ; to beat up , )"
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The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 ( , 6.30) and he doesn't get up until 7:00 ( )."
The judge was exasperated ( , ). He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? (, , ) What reason do you have for wanting a divorce? ( , )"
The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem ( = )."
A woman wanted a divorce. She went to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.
The judge reviewed her petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"
The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half."
"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"
The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."
The judge was becoming frustrated. "You're not getting the point," he said. "Does he beat you up?"
The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until 7:00."
The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"
The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem."
You're not getting the point.
My dentist told me ( /to tell-told-told/) he had good news and bad news ( ).
I said, "Give me the bad news first ( ). Maybe ( ) the good news will cheer me up ( , ; to cheer ; )."
"Well, you need a root canal ( )," he started, "and complete lower bridgework ( ). It's going to cost about $3,000 ( 3000$)."
"Ouch!" I exclaimed (). "What's the good news?"
"The good news," he beamed (; beam ; to beam ; ), "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday ( /hole-in-one /; hole /to shoot-shot-shot ; /)."
My dentist told me he had good news and bad news.
I said, "Give me the bad news first. Maybe the good news will cheer me up."
"Well, you need a root canal," he started, "and complete lower bridgework. It's going to cost about $3,000."
"Ouch!" I exclaimed. "What's the good news?"
"The good news," he beamed, "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday."
Mildred came back () from her annual check up ( ; to check up ) with her doctor ( ) in an unusually good mood ( ; usual ), and her husband ( ) asked her what had made her day ( , : ).
Mildred said, "The doctor told me ( ) that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old ( )."
To which her husband responded ( ), "What did he say about your forty-six-year-old ass? ( )"
Milly retorted (), "He didn't say a word about you! ( )"
Mildred came back from her annual check up with her doctor in an unusually good mood, and her husband asked her what had made her day.
Mildred said, "The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."
To which her husband responded, "What did he say about your forty-six year old ass?"
Milly retorted, "He didn't say a word about you!"
What has made your day?
The musician finally finished a new song ( ), but no one buys it ( ). He was telling another musician about it ( ), and the other guy said, "Let me hear it ( = -)".
The first guy went to the piano ( ) and played a wonderful tune ( ). When he finished ( ), the second () guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see ( : ) why no one buys it ( ). What do you call it? ( = )"
The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit ( : , : , ; gotta = got to)."
The musician finally finished a new song, but no one buys it. He was telling another musician about it, and the other guy said, "Let me hear it".
The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished, the second guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy it. What do you call it?"
The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit."
Let me hear it.
I don't see why no one will buy it.
I love you so goddam much I gotta shit.
A crusty (; crust / /) old man () walks into a bank ( ) and says to the teller at the window ( ), "I want to open ( ) a damn checking account ( // )."
The astonished () woman replies, "I beg your pardon ( ), sir. I must have misunderstood you ( , : ). What did you say? ( )"
"Listen up, damn it (, : ; to damn it ). I said I want to open a damn checking account now! ( = )"
"I'm very sorry ( ) sir, but that kind of language ( : ) is not tolerated in this bank (: )."
The teller leaves ( ) the window and goes over () to the bank manager to inform him of her situation ( ). The manager agrees () that the teller does not have to listen to foul language ( ; foul ; ).
They both return to the window ( ) and the manager asks the old geezer ( ), "Sir, what seems to be the problem here? ( : )"
"There is no damn problem ( )," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks ( 50 / to win - won - won /) in the damn lottery ( ) and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank ( ), okay?"
"I see (: )," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time? ( : )"
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
Im very sorry.
Sir, what seems to be the problem here?
I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
Two retired banking colleagues ( ), Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch ( ) when John suddenly mused ( ), "You know, when I was thirty (, ), my erection was so hard (, , ) that I could grip it with both hands ( , ) and not be able to bend it ( )."
Harry nodded in understanding ( ).
John continued (), "When I was forty ( ), I could bend it ten degrees ( ) with the greatest of effort ( ). At fifty ( ), I could bend it maybe twenty degrees ( , ). And now that I'm past sixty ( ), I can bend it in half with one hand (, )."
John paused to take a sip of his drink (, ), and then () said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get (, , // ).
Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and not be able to bend it."
Harry nodded in understanding.
John continued, "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees. And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."
John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."
I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get.
Some small-time crooks ( ; crook ; , ) decided () that people were so stupid ( ) that they would accept 18 dollar bills ( 18- ) if somebody gave then any ( - /to give-gave-given/). So they carefully made some plates ( ) and printed some up ( ), and went to a small town to try them out ( ). They got up to a shopkeeper ( ) and talked for a while ( ), then casually said ( , ), "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill? (, 18- )"
"Sure ()," said the old shopkeeper ( ). "What would you like ( : ), three 6's or two 9's? ( // )"
Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for a while, then casually said, "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?"
"Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"
Say, can you give me change for a hundred dollar bill?
There was a position open ( ) for an accountant () at one large firm ( ). They got the applicants down to 3 people ( : , // ). The president was going to interview each one separately ( ). He asked the first applicant in ( ).
"I'm going to ask you just one question ( )," says the president ( ), "What's 2+2? ( )"
Applicant #1 promptly answers ( , ) "Four ()."
"Thank you, we will get back to you ( , = )," replied the president.
The second applicant comes in ( ), same question ( ) "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question (, ), thinks a little bit and says "Five" ( )."
The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong ( ), don't call us, we'll call you ( , // )."
The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
The third applicant looks around () as if he's looking for someone else in the room ( - ) and replies, "What would you like it to be? ( , )"
The president exclaims (), "YOU'RE MY MAN! ( = - , )"
There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.
"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."
"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.
The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."
The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."
The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"
The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"
I'm going to ask you just one question.
Well, that's obviously wrong.
Youre my man!
A very elderly couple ( ) is having an elegant dinner ( ) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary ( 75- ; to wed ; ). The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife ( ), "Dear, there is something that I must ask you (, ). It has always bothered me ( ) that our tenth child ( ) never quite looked like the rest of our children ( ; rest , ). Now I want to assure you ( ) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience ( 75 ) I could have ever hoped for ( ), and your answer cannot take all that away ( ; to take away ).
But... I must know, did he have a different father? (... , ; different , )"
The wife drops her head ( = ), unable to look her husband in the eye ( ; able ; ), she paused for a moment ( ) and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did (. , / /)."
The old man is very shaken ( ; to shake ), the reality of what his wife was admitting ( , ) hit him harder than he had expected ( : , ). With a tear in his eye he asks, ( ) "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (, , )"
Again, the old woman drops her head ( ), saying nothing at first ( ) as she tried to muster the courage ( ; muster , , ; to muster / /) to tell the truth to her husband ( ). Then, finally, she says, ( ) "You".
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.
But I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who?... Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You".
Dear, there is something that I must ask you.
** LOST DOG ( : ) **
3 legs ( ),
Blind in left eye ( ),
Missing right ear ( ),
Tail broken ( /to break-broke-broken/),
Recently castrated ( ),
Answers to the name of ( )
"LUCKY ()"
** LOST DOG **
3 legs,
Blind in left eye,
Missing right ear,
Tail broken,
Recently castrated,
Answers to the name of
"LUCKY"
Little girl asked her Mom ( ), "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk (, : ) around the block? ( : )"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat (, : heat ; )."
"What's that mean? ( )" asked the child ( ).
"Go ask your Father ( ). I think he's in the garage (, )."
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie ( ) for a walk around the block? I asked Mom ( ) but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you ( )."
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here (: )." He took a rag ( /to take-took-taken/), soaked it with gasoline ( ), and scrubbed the dog's butt with it ( c ) and said, "Ok, you can go now ( ), but keep Susie on the leash ( ) and only go one time ( ) around the block."
Little girl left ( /to leave-left-left , /) and returned a few minutes later ( ) with no dog on the leash ( ).
Dad said, "Where's () Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas ( ; run out off... / - /) about halfway ( ) down the block ( ) and there's another dog pushing her home ( : )."
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."
What's that mean?
Bring Susie over here!
My car ran out of gas.
After just a few years of marriage ( ), filled with constant arguments ( ), a young man and his wife decided ( ) the only way to save their marriage ( ) was to try counseling ( : , ). They had been at each other's throat for some time ( : ) and felt that this was their last straw ( , /to feel-felt-felt/). When they arrived at the counselor's office ( : ), the counselor jumped right in ( : ) and opened the floor for discussion ( ; floor , ; / / ).
"What seems to be the problem? ( )"
Immediately (), the husband held his long face down ( = ) without anything to say ( ). On the other hand ( , ), the wife began talking 90 miles an hour ( 90 /to begin-began-begun/) describing all the wrongs within their marriage ( : ). After 5 10 15 minutes of listening to the wife ( ), the counselor went over to her ( ), picked her up by her shoulders (: ), kissed her passionately ( ; passion ) for several minutes ( ), and sat her back down ( /to sit-sat-sat/). Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless ( ; speech ).
He looked over at the husband ( ) who was staring in disbelief ( , : , ; belief , ) at what had happened ( , ). The counselor spoke to the husband ( /to speak-spoke-spoken/), "Your wife NEEDS that ( ) at least twice a week! ( )"
The husband scratched his head ( ) and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays ( )."
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 10 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
What seems to be the problem?
Your wife needs that at least twice a week!
A woman was thinking ( ) about finding a pet ( , , ) to keep her company at home ( ). She decided ( ) she would like ( ) to find a beautiful parrot ( ); it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog ( , , , ), and it would be fun to hear it speak ( , ). She went to a pet shop ( ) and immediately spotted ( ) a large beautiful parrot ( ). She went to the owner of the store ( ) and asked how much ( , / /). The owner said it was 50 bucks ( : 50 ). Delighted () that such a rare looking ( ) and beautiful bird ( ) wasn't more expensive ( ), she agreed to buy it ( ).
The owner looked at her ( ) and said, "Listen, I should tell you first (, = ) that this bird used to live in a whorehouse ( : ; whore ). Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff ( ; stuff )."
The woman thought about this ( /to think-thought-thought/), but decided she had to have the bird ( , ). She said she would buy it anyway ( , , ). The pet-shop owner sold ( /to sell-sold-sold/) her the bird and she took it home ( /to take-took-taken /). She hung the bird's cage up ( ) in her living room ( ) and waited for it to say something ( , // -).
The bird looked around the room ( ), then at her ( // ), and said, "New house, new madam ( , )."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication ( , / /; to implicate , ; , ), but then thought, "That's not so bad ( = )."
A couple hours later ( ), the woman's two teenage daughters ( - /.. 20 /) returned from school ( ). When they inspected the bird ( ), it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores ( , , )."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first ( ), but then began to laugh about the situation ( /to begin-began-begun/).
A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work ( ). The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George! ( , , , . , )"
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
That's not so bad.
Same old faces.
Typical Mexican macho man ( ) married typical good-looking Mexican lady ( : ) and after the wedding ( ) laid down the following rules: ( ) "I'll be home when I want ( , , ), if I want ( ) and at what time I want ( : , ) and I don't expect any hassle from you ( = , ; hassle , ). I expect a great dinner to be on the table ( ) unless I tell you otherwise ( : -). I'll go hunting ( ), fishing (), boozing ( ; booze ; to booze ) and card-playing ( ) when I want with my old buddies ( ) and don't you give me a hard time ( : = ) about it (- , ). Those are my rules! ( , ) Any comments? (- )"
His new bride said ( ), "No, that's fine with me (, : ). Just understand ( = ) that there'll be sex here ( ) at seven o'clock every night ( ) whether you're here or not ( )."
Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
Don't you give me a hard time about it!
Any comments?
No, that's fine with me.
Pretty girl ( ): "May I try on ( ) that two-piece suit ( // //; piece , , ) in the window? ( : )"
Store manager ( ): "Go right ahead (, , : ). It might help business ( )."
Pretty girl: "May I try on that two-piece suit in the window?"
Store manager: "Go right ahead. It might help business."
May I try on that suit?
Go right ahead.
It might help business.
This old gal (: gal ) was trying on (; to try ; ) one of those blouses with a plunging neckline ( , // ; to plunge ) and after looking herself over in the mirror ( , ), asked a saleslady ( ) if she thought it was too low-cut ( , : /to think-thought-thought/).
"Do you have hair on your chest? ( )" the saleslady asked.
"No!" she squealed ().
"Well then (, )," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut ( )."
This old gal was trying on one of those blouses with a plunging neckline and after looking herself over in the mirror, asked a saleslady if she thought it was too low-cut.
"Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleslady asked.
"No!" she squealed.
"Well then," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut."
It's too low-cut.
A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening ( ) and noticed () that as soon as they entered the door (, ), his friend kissed his wife ( ) and told her how pretty she looked ( , /to tell-told-told/). After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food ( ) and kissed her again ().
"Do you always do that? ( )" asked the visitor ( ) when they were alone ( ).
"You bet I do (, ; to bet ; )," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one ( )."
The visitor was greatly impressed ( ) and decided () to use the same procedure with his own wife ( ; procedure ; /. / [pr∂`si:dż∂]). That night ( ) he swept her into his arms ( : /to sweep-swept-swept /) when he got home ( /to get-got-got ; , /) and kissed her warmly (; warm ). "Sweetheart (: sweet + heart )," he said, "you look wonderful tonight ( //), and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife ( , )."
His wife looked at him in amazement ( ), then burst into tears ( /to burst-burst-burst ; /).
"For Pete's sake ( // )," exclaimed () the astonished () man, "what's the matter? ( , )"
"What a day this has been! ( )" his wife answered. "First Johnny ( ) sprained his ankle ( ), then the washing machine ( ) broke down ( /to break-broke-broken/) and flooded the basement ( ; basement , ; ), and now you come home drunk! ( // // )"
A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening and noticed that as soon as they entered the door, his friend kissed his wife and told her how pretty she looked. After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food and kissed her again.
"Do you always do that?" asked the visitor when they were alone.
"You bet I do," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one."
The visitor was greatly impressed and decided to use the same procedure with his own wife. That night he swept her into his arms when he got home and kissed her warmly. "Sweetheart," he said, "you look wonderful tonight, and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife."
His wife looked at him in amazement, then burst into tears.
"For Pete's sake," exclaimed the astonished man, "what's the matter?"
"What a day this has been!" his wife answered. "First Johnny sprained his ankle, then the washing machine broke down and flooded the basement, and now you come home drunk!"
You bet!
It helps keep our marriage a happy one.
Sweetheart, you look wonderful tonight!
For Petes sake (for Gods; Heavens)!
What a day this has been!
Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world ( ).
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married ( , )," said one clergyman self-righteously ( : ). "Did you? ( )"
"I don't know ( )," said the other. "What was her maiden name? ( )"
Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
What was her maiden name?
Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything ( -), but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery... ( /to hear-heard-heard/) He began to think about it ( /to begin-began-begun/), and think about it... ( ). Then a couple of days later (, ), he asked the Lord ( : ),
"You know Lord ( , ), I never asked you for anything ( ), I've been going to church every Sunday ( ), praising you and thanking you for what I have ( , ), and I sure would like to win that lottery! ( , , )"
Well, a couple of years went by ( ) and Uncle Pete still wanted to ( ), and didn't win ( ) that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field (, , ) he starts thinking about not winning the lottery ( , , ), and get frustrated (// , ), so he decides ( ) to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery ( , ).
He yelled up at the sky ( ), "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' (= anything) but ta' (= to ) win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help ( = , ), well WHY? ( )"
Then the clouds above ( //) began to part ( ) and in a booming voice ( ; to boom ) he heard the Lord say ( , // ),
"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this (, - ; gonna = going to), you have to buy a ticket first ( )."
Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery... He began to think about it, and think about it... Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord,
"You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to church every Sunday, praising you and thanking you for what I have, and I sure would like to win that lottery!"
Well, a couple of years went by and Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery.
He yelled up at the sky, "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, well WHY?"
Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard the Lord say,
"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, you have to buy a ticket first."
I'm gonna need some help on this.
Two fishermen are out on the lake ( ) in a boat they had rented at the dock ( , ).
After an hour or so ( ), they drift over a deep hole ( , ) and start catching fish (
